Social workers a kind of nice

Our interview went really well. Of course I was way more nervous than I needed to be, but that was expected. She asked lots of questions about our marriage, how we met, what attracted us to each other, etc. We talked about what we were open to as far as ethnicity and sex of the child. Overall it was really good.
We also got the update as to where we are in the process. Looks like we still have about 3 months to go. I was kind of disapointed, I thought we were almost done, only a few interviews, but she is really busy and works with a lot of families. We have to wait our turn and not rush. I get that, I just wish that it was explained a little bit better as to how this all works and the time that it takes. They are very concerned about not giving time frames so as to not give expectations to families because it is variable. But it would be helpful to know the times that are not variable, like taking 3 months to do interviews after our four months of classes.
I really am ok, just needed to vent a little bit and readjust.

A great weekend

We just spent Easter weekend camping at Pismo Beach and it was awesome. About 60 people from our staff went and just had fun for a few days. The camp is right near the beach so it was just a short walk over the dune to the gorgeous beach. California beaches are so different from beaches on the east coast. At first it seems the same and then you notice the huge mountain falling into the water in the distance! It is amazing. We got some great pics for our profile while we were there too. Everything was so scenic, it was picture mania. The long car ride there gave us lots of time to work on our profile, which is great! When it is done I will get pics of it up here for yall to see.

Today we got back with the social worker and rescheduled our canceled apointment for Thursday at 10:30. I am so excited to get this process moving again!! Hopefully it doesnt take too long to get through the interview part. I have been thinking a lot about what the interview will be like.

Question: For those of you who have adopted domesticaly, what was the first interview with your social worker like? What questions did she ask, what was talked about, etc? Anything to help me feel prepared and less anxious would be awesome. Left to myself to imagine is not always the best!

Catching Up

So the training last weekend went great! Everyone was there and we got everything done. It was really encouraging to hear about all the new locations and get their feedback. A big success. Now I have to figure out what my job looks like after this. I have spent the last 8 months preparing for this training and now it is done. What do I do now?

On the adoption front, we had the first meeting with our social worker scheduled for tomorrow. This morning we got a message from her that a young birth mom went into preterm labor over the weekend. She needs to fill her day tomorrow with meetings of the girl and potential families. I was sad, but glad to see so much care going into the situation. If I was the birth mother or the adoptive family waiting I would want my social worker to push her other meetings aside! So I am glad but disappointed. We had to wait a while to get this meeting scheduled, so I am hoping since we are rescheduling that we can do it quickly and pick a date that is soon.

Back on the work note, all our students are gone on spring break. I miss them already. There are only 12 so we get fairly close, like a large family. There are gone for a week, but it only makes me think about how quickly May 17th is coming when they will be gone for real. It is hard working with a one year program, they come and go so quickly. But they never really stay away, they always come back to visit and sometimes alumni come back and live here, so hopefully they will all choose that option. =)

My weekend

This has nothing to with adoption or infertility but just what is going on in my life, work life to be exact.
I am running a training this weekend and It is a HUGE deal. I think everything is ready (obviously If I have time to post at work then I am ready). It is just kind of nerve racking for people from all over the country to fly to Pasadena to hear me tell them how to run an INSIGHT program.

You see it is actually my anniversary, one year ago this week, I started this job. I took over from another girl who had been starting this office. (this is all really hard to explain) There has been an INSIGHT program for the last 9 years, but expanding it to new locations is a NEW thing. My new thing. In the last year I have learned how to run a program, wrote the training manual (literally) created a training program and now in less than 24 hours will be teaching this training to representatives from 4 locations that want to start their own INSIGHT program. I am a little overwhelmed.

The greatest part about this it is is so obvious that there is no way that anyone could look at me and say what an amazing person you are or wow you are so talented. If you knew me and saw these results you would instantly give God all the glory for this work. I am wreck, and He somehow pulled all of this off over the last year. It makes me hopeful when I look to the future. There is so much more to be accomplished, but I know that God is not done, and He will continue to work and pull together more than I can imagine!

Please pray for me and my confidence over the weekend. And that we are able to accomplish all that we need to do in just two days. yall are amazing!

Official Adoption Class Graduates!

Woohoo! We are done! Last night was a 4th and final adoption class, so now we are on to the interviews with our social worker. The end is in sight and it feels kind of weird.

Last night was awesome. We talked a little about the assumptions people make about birth mothers (young, crazy, drug addicts, poor, etc) and what they actually are. Most of the birthmothers they work with are over 24-35. I was surprised by that, I had definately bought into the idea that adoptions are mostly from teen pregnancies. The sad truth is, most teens dont want to carry the baby for 9 months and just get an abortion, Sad.

The second half of the class they always have some kind of panel and this night it was birth moms. This was really awesome to me, because they were two perfectly normal women in their mid 30s. One had placed 12 years ago and the other 2 years ago. The second was pregnant again and was placing the new baby with the same family who has the 2 year old. How cool is that!
Both of these mothers have very open adoptions. They see the adoptive family once or twice a month, talk on the phone often, spend all major holidays together, etc. It was really impressive. There was a lot of talk about boundaries. They were both very adiment that they did not want to coparent and that they respected the parents decisions.

I think that is the most scary part of open adoption for people. The idea that there will be this other woman who has a very substantial connection with the child hanging around and intruding on your parentness. That the birth mom will have a deeper connection with the child, love her more, and want to really be with her. And that the birthmom will act like the parent, be judgemental of the way the child is being raised etc. These girls didnt have any of that, they saw that as a stereotype and were very focused on not doing those things. And they really didnt want to. They wanted their child to bond with the adoptive family, to want to be with them more than her. They understood the reality of the situation and worked for the good of it.

Oh and we went to Babies R Us and it was awesome, lots of fun and overwhelming looking at all the gadgets and stuff that "someone" says we need. If we bought everything we "needed" our house would be full of baby junk and we would be able to pay for our adoption! We did buy our first baby item: a blanket from the bedding set we picked, we went with bunny meadows. I love it and it looked fine in a white crib. Now I have the pattern and colors and cant wait to start painting the dresser!

Last Adoption Class

So tonight we go to our last adoption class. Tonight we will meet a panel of Birthmoms (they are already matched with a family, so this is not like the parade of maidens in front of a crowd of young men) I am really anxious, not in a bad way, I am just eager to hear what they have to say. I want to know how they decided and what made them feel comfortable. I think I need to see that they are OK and not damaged for life. I think it will be a really exciting night.

Also on the way there, we are stopping at Babies R Us! I have convinced Hubbs that we need to decide on the bedding theme for the nursery and buy one thing so I will have the colors and patterns to start painting and stuff like that. I am sure we will stroll around and peek at other stuff as well. I am kind of nervous, I have not been in Babies R Us since before we found out we counldnt get pregnant. The last time I was in there I was dreaming of my baby belly. I think it will be good, We need to let loose and have some giddy dreamy time of what life will be like with baby. I am sure I will think about it, but we are so excited about a baby joining our family, I think the excitment will overcome the sadness and loss. Or atleast that is what I am rooting for!

Spring!!!

So it is officially spring time, and I love it! Even though I live in Cali and it has been warm for awhile, I love the idea of spring. Spring is a time for new beginnings. Everything is blooming or getting ready to bloom and the bugs are all crazy doing the flower dance.
We have a lemon tree in our front yard and it just started blooming. The smell is amazing! I have tried to spend more time outside with the sun. I think it makes me feel better.
I also am trying to plant flowers. I have never had a garden before so I dont really know what I am doing. I have some seeds that someone gave me, but I think I might be too late and there are all listed as full sun flowers. My yard only has partial sun. If anyone is a gardener and would like to give me some help, I would sure appreciate it! I have a window box on our porch that is in a pretty shady area (it was put there by someone before us) It needs flowers so I am trying to decide what to put there and whether it should be seeds or just go get the one from Lowes that are already blooming.
Maybe I should go outside and sit on my porch until I get some inspiration!

Kicking the Funk

My last post was on March 2nd. Over two weeks ago. That is pitiful. I have thought about posting, even got as far as pulling up the new post screen, but then I sit there and stare at the screen with nothing to say.
I have been in a funk. Not depressed but just a free floating funk where I am going along and letting my life pass me by. I am not awake and alive. I cant live like this, its not me.

I am a fun loving person, who wants to enjoy my life, every day! I am full of energy and laughter and creativity. I like to be active and out doors. For some reason I have forgotten this lately, and I want it back.

I have decided today that the funk is over. I am kicking the funk out the door. Not asking it politely to leave or giving it a time frame to leave by, I am picking the Funk up and throwing it out the door with a smirk that says Come back this way and I will kill you!

It feels good to be rid of the Funk.

What do you think?

Hubbs and I spent some time looking at crib bedding over the weekend since I couldn't do anything but lay in the bed. It was fun and we came down to too different ones. We both really like the Bunny Meadows set and the other I like but he is not so sure because it has polka dots. he hates polka dots.

So this is my dilemma. We have a white crib, and the bunny set is mostly white with browns and greens. Check out the pic it is super cute! So what do you think it would look like in an all white crib? The crib in the pic is white and brown. Will it be too blah, the room it is in we cant really paint (we rent) so I was going to use decals for the walls. The carpet is a deep brown color that will match great. I really need help with this because I have a hard time envisioning it.

Hubbs said we should just go to Babies R Us and take the bedding out and set it up in one of their white cribs! I am not so sure how they would feel about that, but it might be worth a shot.

Please help!

Druged up weekend

So getting the teeth pulled today was not that bad. It is kind of weird, I remember the IV going in and them putting stuff in my mouth, and they said they were done. It felt like 5 mins had passed, but in actuality it was about 30. weird.

The pain is not that bad so far, I have been icing it and taking the meds. I slept most of the day so that is why I am up blogging at 1 in the morning.

My hubbs has been wonderful taking care of me, you know it is friday, so this is perfect! My hubsband rocks becuase of how sweet he is when I am sick. I can be a real baby with not wanting to do a lot and just lay in bed. He made me dinner and brings me my meds on a little tray. I love him so much. I think he is going to make an awesome dad.

It is so fun watching Hubbs interact with kids. He loves them! We have some good friends with three girls and they are always asking when Hubbs is coming over to play. When ever we see them on campus, they always run to him for high fives I love it. There are several families that we have baby sat for, all older kids. I dont think I could do the baby thing for someone else. I dont want to do that until it is mine. Maybe that is selfish, but I havent held a baby baby since before we found out about all the infertility. I think I would burst if somone asked me to hold their infant. I kind of want to keep it that way until we are matched and I get to hold my child. I know I am setting myself up for a very emotional moment, but that is ok.

Wow, well that is what you get on drugs at 1 in the morning, a lot of random rambling!

Stupid tooth

Grr.. I know that my wisdom teeth are a problem. I have never taken them out because they never hurt, until now. My mouth feels like it is going to explode with pain! I hate that a tooth can cause this much pain. I have a head ache, stomach ache, and my jaw is throbbing.

I am off to the dentist tomorrow to see what they say. I hate the doctor!

Oh bright side, I think I will atleast get some good pain meds as a take home prize!

Adoption Class # 3: Infertility and Adoption

I wish I could put to words the feeling of turning in our homestudy paper work last night. It was like I took this huge piece of stress and just handed it over. And on top of that to be able to pay the bill IN FULL, it was a great moment. I dont think the gal who took it from us understood the gravity of the moment, she said thanks and tossed it on a desk like it was just a stack of papers. Didnt she know how much time and energy we put into those answers! Oh well, we know and we felt it.

The class was pretty good, not our favorite but we are getting to know people more each time. We talked about dealing with grief over infertility. I was ready to go in there and be really emotional and feel that heavy rock that builds in my stomach at times like this. But it didnt happen. When I started to share in my little group, I talked about the past, how I felt. I was ok. I realized that i had dealt with these emotions and worked through the grieving stages and I am now in a good place. Praise God! Hubbs said the same thing, that He felt like this class would have been helpful a few months ago, but that He is doing really well with it right now. We felt strong, it was awesome.

The second half of the night they always have a panel of people come in and share their experiences. This was amazing! Three couples and their adopted babies (I know, babies on the night that we all talked about how we cant get pregnant, really, who thought that was a good idea!) They each told their story, of how when they met the birthmother, what that meeting was like, how long they waited, what the birth was like, the relationship they have now with the birthmoms and a lot of other stuff. I listened to everything they said, but I think more than that I just stared at three beautiful families that look perfectly normal. That will be me. I will be sitting with my Hubbs and a sweet little baby in my arms cooing every time I talk.
It really was magical.

Yard Sale Success!

Yesterday was one of the most tiring days of my life. Especially since Friday had that title until yesterday. Yesterday we had a yard sale!

Over the past month we have been collecting donations from our community to sell. Everyone was really excited about it and willing to pitch in. All day friday was pricing and sorting and long theoretical conversations about the worth of a particular item. Signs went up about midnight and we fell into bed.

The sale started bright and early at 7am. We had a ton of stuff, big pieces of furniture, kid bikes, pottery barn pillows, electronics, toys, books, all the random nick nacks and more clothes than I think I have owned in my whole life. We started off slow but had a great late rush between 10 and 1 it was kind of wierd yardsale behavior but whatever they bought stuff. We also hung signs that said all proceeds to to the Baby Hoffman Adoption Fund. I think it made a difference, people like giving to a good cause.

Going into this Hubbs and I were hoping to make around $400. We need $900 to pay the bill for the Homestudy. We figured this would help and then we would save the rest over the next couple of months. Hubbs loves numbers and statistics so by 10 he knew that we would meet our goal if in the last half we sold proportionally the same every hour as the first three hours. I have no idea what that really means, I just smile and say, Sure Love! Throughout the day he would come and collect my big bills, so I really had no idea what we were making. Everytime he would ask I would have atleast one or two twenties, it was like they kept multiplying in my bag!

As things started winding down we started calculating our profit. I could have cried when Adam told me our pure profit was $750! What I did do was scream YEAH! and a little happy dance. God is so faithful. We had two families that gave us donations yesterday as well, so the grand total $900. I wasnt kidding about the God being awesomly faithful! We made EXACTLY what we needed. This is such a gift, to not stress about the last little bit to pay that bill. I am on cloud nine right now.

We have a class at the adoption agency on Monday and I am so excited to walk in there and hand them our Completed homestudy paper work and a big fat check.

Praise God!

Questions from the homestudy

I have been really surprised at the types of questions they ask on the home study. I expected it to be more theoretical about parenting, but it is way more practical. They want to know specifics! We kind of feel like we are writing out how we will parent for the next 18 years which just seems silly. Instead of asking how do you teach children healthy eating habits, or what are healthy eating habits, they ask, when is dinner time, are kids expected to eat everything, who decides portions, can kids make their own plates, what if they dont like the food and so on. I guess they are getting the same information, but Hubbs and I kind of stare at each other confused and confess that we have no idea who will decide the portions during dinner. So we talk about it for a minute and write something down.

I keep trying to remind myself that this is a tool for the social worker to get to know us, and make sure we are going to be healthy parents. I wont be repremanded if I dont pull the homestudy out in 5 years to make sure I am using the exact bedtime we said we would.

With that said, some of the questions have been kind of funny. Our favorite section has been on Potty Training. Here are the questions for your enjoyment.

Toilet Training

1. When would you being: With a boy? With a girl?
Remember we are adopting an infant, this really isnt on our minds yet

2. How would you accomplish it?
I have no idea!! we have never done this before, but I am sure I will read about it some day and have a great answer. I think we wrote something about talking about it with the child, setting a start time, and then asking them every 30 mins if they have to go everyday until they get it, and when they do we will throw a Potty Party with a toilet cake and they get underoos for presents. I would go to the potty for that.

3. When would you expect a child to be completely trained?
I hate setting expectations, they always make me feel like a failure in the end.

4. How do you handle accidents or bed-wetting? Soiling?
Hubbs' first response to all questions like this was "kick them in the head" He was kidding of course, it was funny at the time. If the case worker could somehow record our conversations as we filled this out we would be done!

5. How important are toilet habits to you?
What in the world are toilet habits?? this question made us laugh for about 10 minutes, we talked about, well I sing on the toilet, and hubbs reads, but our kids should not flush toys, or play in the toilet, I really am not sure what they are asking here, I think in the end we said something about wiping well and washing hands. They really should be a little more clear on this.

In the end I think we are doing a good job, but really I just want to write I dont know for almost every answer. It leaves you feeling a little inadequet and I am reading parenting books like a champ to try and figure this stuff out so we answer well. We are going to be the most prepared parents in the world!!

Sorry for the Silence

I have been such a bad blogger lately! I am sorry that I have been silent, I have been reading others blogs I just didnt have much to write about myself. Work is also really busy right now. It is good because great things are happening in our ministry, but it is a lot of work! I do want to post soon about some of the home study questions. I think it would be interesting to see how yall would answer some of the questions. We worked on it for 3 hours last night.
We are going to be superparents!

Dragon Parade

We went to the dragon parade on Saturday in celebration of Chinese New Year. It was awesome, lots of contortionist, acrobats, martial artistist, dragons and amazing food. I love Chinese food!! We had pork dumplings and chow mien and some pastry thing filled with I don't know what but it was GOOD!

Anyways I just wanted to share some pictures from out little adventure.

It is good luck to put money in the dragon's mouth so they worked the crowd, made me want to put on a dragon head!

Holy Crap, she is balancing on her collar bone, holding on with her teeth and spining those rug things.

Hanging out on some spears

Jumping through hoops, backwards, frontwards, spinning.


Dancing dragons in the parade


He started out laying down and slowly stood up holding her like this, never even wobbled.

Then she curled up holding her feet like a ring and he tossed her up and put his arms through her like a game of ring toss, she fell all the way until she was resting here on his thighs. I dont think I have that much trust in anyone.

So that was out day, a fun little adventure date out with the Hubbs. I think we are going to practice some of those moves for the staff retreat talent show.

My Husband Rocks!! A day late

Tuesday was my Birthday, I turned 28. Hubbs loves to plan our date and then hide the plans from me only leaking little clues to keep me excited. I knew the basic idea was dinner and a movie. I checked the movie listings and told him what I thought was good and he was really noncommital about it (kind of making frustrated) For Lunch me and the girls went out for Lebanese, I love Hummus! When I got back there was a note on my door with directions written out, but no address. Teaser! I quickly googlemaped the last intersection and tried to figure out where we were going. It looked like a neighborhood, so confusing.

Later we were hanging out with our students after their class and he had this piece of paper with the address and name of the resturant. He was waving it around teasing me the whole time, showing it to different people. The girls from my small group told me that it was awesome and I would have a wonderful night, but they wouldnt tell me where I was going. I need to work on their loyalty to me!

After work we walked home, and started getting ready. He did tell me that we would be eating outside (I love those kind of resturants) so I needed to dress warm. Right before we left Dave, Hubbs' boss, asked if he would drop off the work he collected today so he could start grading, and that the girls wanted to say Happy Birthday to me. I love his girls, so this was not a problem, and they live in the neighborhood.

We left the house, directions in hand, pulled into dave's for our quick stop. As we opened the side door to thier backyard (they dont use the front door) There was all of our students and friends yelling Happy Birthday!!!
My husband is such a good liar!!! I was so surprised, and I loved it. They had dinner for us, and had baked me a cake, it was awesome. Hubbs had been planning this for a week, and all the students were in on it, so when they were looking at the "directions" they knew exactly what was going on. Sneeky.

The next night we went out on our date, just to dinner, no movie which was fine. It was great to just get out with Hubbs and have that time to talk. I love him so much, not just because he can surprise me, but because he loves to. He knows how to love me in a way that I truly feel loved.

But the fun didnt stop there, the next night we had a Birthday party for two of out students. They wanted a dance party, so we moved all of our furniture out of the living room and brought out the speakers. It was amazing! They had so much fun goofing off and making up dances. These are not the kind of kids you are going to see booty dancing but they know how to have a good time. We danced for three hours straight and then at 11 we had to quiet down. It was so much fun, I think we are going to do it again soon. There is something about dancing that lets go of so much stress, I love it.

So that was my week. Thanks Hubbs for being amazing.

Adoption Class# 2: The Profile

Last night we went to our second adoption class. Most of the same couples were there, two were gone and one was new. The same women (whom we love) led the session. Topic at hand: The profile and how to Network.

Talking about the profile was fun, I love pictures and putting together books and the such. I think Hubbs and I will have a blast putting this together. We already joke about "oh this is a total profile pic moment, grab the camera!" It was a little stressful hearing about what the expectant mother wants to see or read. Not that we cant put those things in there, its just making sure we say it right.

Things to include:

• Headshots, upclose fun pictures
• Talk about our extended family
• Where we live, community
• What we do and how baby fits in
• How baby fits into our lives in general
• Why we are adopting
• Our history
• How we are preparing, classes, books, etc

My mind is already reeling with ideas of how to put this together. It doesnt have to made for a few months, but I think I will start sometime soon.

The other part of the night talked about Networking. This was a little more stressful. Basically she said the more networking you do the quicker the process will be. 1/3 of their familes choose to also work with an adoption lawyer (cant afford that!) so profiles are getting to more moms. They asked us to enlist our friends and get them to take a copy of our profile just in case they hear of a situation. This felt ocward to even think about. Everyone knows that we are adopting, so if the girl nextdoor turns up pregnant I think they would think of us.

I know we are suppose to be our own best advocate, but isnt this why we are paying an agency!! Money is tight to pay for just that, we dont have more money to canvas all of SoCal, so I guess we just have to wait longer. I hate waiting and I hate that money could buy us a shorter wait. (Sorry this quickly turned into a rantfest) We already send out bimonthly newsletters about our life and ministry, have two blogs, a 40 person prayer team that gets weekly emails, I mean what else can we do?? All we can do is wait, and trust that God has everything in his hands with the perfect Mother at the perfect time. I hate waiting.

For those mothers who have already adopted or in the process, what did you do? Did you network for yourself, where and what? Is this normal for an agency to tell you to get extra help? How long did your wait last?

A good day out

Yesterday was a day of errands. Typically this means that hubbs and I will make a list, check it off, and about half way through someone will become short, irritated, and sarcastic. Then we will fight, or bicker and end up cutting our errands short so as not to kill each other and return home safely together.

Yesterday was different. We had a blast. There was even a few hang ups that should have made the day more stressful, like spending two hours at the police station to do our Livescan and fingerprints, but somehow we breezed right through it. Strange, but wonderful.

Hubbs hates to window shop or just look at things we dont need to buy. I love it! Especially when it comes to shoes and baby items (now that I can walk in the baby isle with out bursting into tears) Well yesterday while we were in Target, Hubbs asked if there was anything else we needed to get, I replied no, unless we wanted to swing by the baby isle just for fun. He jumped right on it. Grabbed my arm and said well that is in this direction! I was stunned but didnt want to look too surprised and make him feel weird and loose the moment.

We looked at strollers and highchairs, and bassinets. He really looked too, not just entertaining me with a yea love that is great, but He was checking out all the specks and reading the safety stuff, talking about how he liked this handle and that because it saved space. I was in Heaven, it was so fun to have him playing the dream game with me. I love my hubbs, he truly is an amazing man. He really stepped up yesterday and was exactly who I needed him to be and it was awesome.

And to top it all of we agreed on a stroller that we love. The Graco travel system. I love the brown and blue, those are the colors we are using in the nursery. If anyone has used this or knows anything about it, I would love to hear the good and the bad, just to make sure we picked a good one.

Adoptive Breastfeeding

When I dream of being a mother one of the scenes that repeats over and over in my dreams is cuddling a child at my breast. I have always wanted to breastfeed and see it as a very beautiful and natural part of motherhood. Finding out about the infertility broke this dream to pieces. It was one of the dreams that pained me the most, I thought I would never have the satisfaction of Breastfeeding my baby and that broke my heart.

Today I have been reading about Adoptive Breastfeeding and I can not tell you how much Joy I have. It is totally possible! I guess it makes sense, I just never thought about it before. I am so excited.

I think this quote sums up my feelings:

"After all those years of infertility, it was nice to feel like there was something important that I could do for a child that no one else could!"

I will breastfeed my babies, like every other mother who chooses to do so. I will get to have a piece of natural motherhood. So much has been taken away from us, I think this is amazing, and I am so excited to spread the word.

There is a lot to it though. One article I read recommended pumping as soon as you found out your were matched, at least once a day. Wow, this will be a huge commitment, but I think it is worth it. There is also a drug that can be taken, Domperidone it seems like a safe option. Some mothers reported only pumping for a few weeks before the baby was born in combination with the drug and had an ample milk supply.

Even if the milk supply is not strong and supplements are still needed, the benefits from this are unmeasurable. The bond that is created between mother and child, emotionally, physically, I want that, and I see it as important.

Well I am not going out tomorrow and buying a breastpump, but I am excited and will keep researching on how this works. Any comments or suggestions are welcomed!

Today is a great day.

Today is a moment of History. Today will be remembered as the day the first African American was sworn in as President of the United States of America. Today is a great day.
I am excited about today not just because I believe in Obama and the change he wants to bring to this country, but because of what today represents. Today will be a day that I tell my children, my grandchildren, I remember when our first African American President was sworn into office. I will recall the story as they listen in amazement at the tale of history, the way our parents do about Kennedy's death, or my grandpa retelling the chicken in every pot speech.
Today gives me hope for my children that they live in world that knows racial reconciliation. We have come so far, and we still have so far to go. I pray that this is just the beginning of minorities being lifted up and included in the elite.
When I think about adopting African American children, I think of the hope Obama brings. They will be able to look at someone who has achieved so much, and who looks like them. They will be able to dream of being president one day and know that it is a possibility. I am so thankful.
Today brings hope, to a country that is pretty low on optimism. Obama will not do everything he promised, and he is sure to disappoint us, He isn't perfect. What He is though is inspiring, energetic, and the shot in the arm we all need to get this country back on its feet, take charge and be the great nation that we should be. Obama knows how to rally people to be the change. He is not the change, we all are. The country will not change because he says so, it will change when we do. We need someone to believe in us, and help us to believe in ourselves. When we love one another, accept one another and are willing to get out and help one another up, that is what makes us stronger, that is what makes us great.
I pray today is the day we start to believe.

My heart knows the truth

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you disquieted with in me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my help and my God.
Psalm 43:5

Sometimes I am stressed and anxious and feel hurt and angry, but Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him. I still have days where I dream of being pregnant, nights where I fall asleep with tears in my eyes, but Hope in God my soul, I will again Praise Him. Will it really work out, will we really make it to the prize and become a family, Hope in God, I will again Praise Him!

Sometimes something within me looses hope, it questions, doubts, and stirs up troubled thoughts, but my heart knows that God is faithful. I know that He will not forsake me, He has plans for me, great plans, He loves me. I just have to remind myself, that one day soon, We will be praising the Lord for His greatness, and our beautiful baby.

Tag You're It!

So I was taged forever ago by Jess to do the seven things. I am sorry it has taken me awhile to get to it but better late than never. I am resting this morning with a tummy ache so I thought this wold be a good time to blog.

Rules:
A. Link to the person who tagged you.
B. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.
C. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

1. I grew up on a tiny little island of the coast of North Carolina, Hatteras Island. It is the most beautiful place in the world and if there was more than fishing, real estate, teaching, and owning your own business as options for employment I would move back there and raise my family. It is paradise for a kid, so much to explore, ocean, sounds, fish, marsh. I like small town feel where you feel free to let your kids roam outside all day and not worry about them.

2. Hubbs and I work with a mission agency doing Mobilization. I think this has become the hardest thing in the world for us to explain when people ask what we do. We dont go overseas, but help other people to do so, and encourage everyone to get involved in missions in someway. We raise our own support, and work full time at this. Last year we packed up everything and moved to California to work at the headquarters of our agency with a program called INSIGHT. There is so much going on here and we absolutely love it! By the way you should check out this class that is taught all over the country, it changed our lives, and I promise you wont be the same afterwards either. www.perspectives.org (the first website is horrible and we are aware of that and revamping it as I type, so stop back by in a few months and check it out again)

3. Hubbs and I were married on the Beach in Hatteras. It was the greatest wedding ever. I wore a white sarong from India and He wore shorts and a white cuban style shirt. My girls wore sarongs as well, and his guys were also in shorts and beachy shirts. It was absolutely beautiful. All of our guests came out and sat in the sand, I walked down an isle lined with seashells. It was totally laid back, and the best day of my life.

4. In college I owned 35 pair of underwear so I only did laundry once a month. I thought this was a genius plan, everyone else thought it was wierd. I just wore my pants several times before they were taged as dirty, and hung my shirts back up at the end of the day if they didnt smell. I thought it was great and saved a good bit of money this way as well.

5. I pretended to be a college student for about 3 years after I graduated. I am three years older than Hubbs. I graduated college in 03, we started dating that summer. When school started that year he was a sophmore. I spent a ton of time on campus with him so everyone thought I was still a student and i just didnt correct them. Our close friends knew my age, but I wasnt about to correct the people we hung out with ocassionally that I was actully older . =) I loved it, and played with them too, they would ask how exams were and I would say, Oh I have been done for awhile, they were great! Which was not a lie, just a dicieving truth.

6. I love photography. Studied it some in college and then worked in a studio for 3 years, four christmases. we judge our life by christmas in studio photography, because if you can survive that you can survive anything. I love working with babies especially newborns. Since we have been in Cali, I have not been able to do as much with my camera, but we just set up a studio for work and i cant wait to go play!

7. I love to bake and decorate cakes. I will find any excuse to make dessert for freinds or family. I love to be challenged and to conquer. I have thought several times about making this into a buisness but dont feel like I have the resources or knowledge to do so. As of now, I just do it for fun.

so there it is , me in a nutshell. That was a little harder than I thought it would be. Thanks for the challenge Jess.

I am going to Tag:
1. S. E.
2. B Mom
3. Amy
4. Dream4agift
5. Guera
6. So Barren
7. Karen

Blindsided

I have made so much progress, I am starting to be ok with baby bellies, all the cute baby Christmas cards, and friends announcing that they are expecting. I want to be happy for other people.

Yesterday I recieved an email from a couple that was really close to us when we were in college. They are pregnant. Those simple words through my emotions into a tailspin. I was instantly back in the dark place with my emotions yelling out its not fair! I was blindsided, I had no idea I would react like this, I should be happy for her, but I am not. I thought I was doing better. I am so confused right now.

Some background on our relationship.

Hubbs and I and this couple were all really great friends in college, we havent talked as much as of lately, but we would still go and see them if we were at home. We were all dating at the same time and did a lot of stuff together. We got engaged in May, and they would say that is what gave him the courage to ask his girl to marry him. They were engaged that fall. When we both set the wedding dates theirs was a month before us. We laughed about it alot at how it was not fair that they couldnt get married before us.

They were one of the first couples we told that we were TTC and they thought we were crazy but happy for us. See, they didnt want to get pregnant for a while. She wanted to finnish grad school and wait awhile. THEY DIDNT WANT TO BE PREGNANT! We would talk about this, it was always a mystery to her why we wanted to start a family so young. When we found out about the endometriosis we shared with them our struggles with infertility and that we are planning an adoption. They are great people and have been encouraging and supportive.

When I read this email, my gut reaction was, "There is no way that you are going to do this again, they dont even want kids yet!" Wow. That is just plain ugly. I hate my reaction and how I feel about this, I want to be happy with them, I want to call her and giggle and talk about baby stuff, still the phone sits. Honestly I dont know what to say to her.

I think the hardest part of this is that it was a surprise, something that just comes so easy to them that it snuck its way in to their lives. A baby that i know they will love and cherish now that it is there. I hope she sees how amazing this is, and how greatful she should be.

Pray that I will find the courage to call her, even if I have to pretend.

Crazy Family

We are home! I love my family and everyone we saw but I am so glad to be in one place in my bed and by ourselves!
I have been thinking over the trip and overall everything went well. No one had any major hang ups with the adoption and race. Hubb's step dad put it well, "A Child is who you raise it to be, I will love what ever child you have"
I really appreciated that.

It was funny to see that Hubb's Step Dad and K (Dad's girlfriend) had way more to say and ask about the adoption then his Mom and Dad. They both had their little rants about it. Which we kind of expected.

Our relationship with K is a love hate, smile and hug but dont turn your back on her kind of one. The hardest thing about talking with K is that the world revolves around her and that is just had to compete with. She has traveled the world, done everything perfectly and sees her life and experiences as the perfect model for the rest of the world. I could hardly get a sentence out before she was relating what I said (or what she heard) to some one she knew or something she had done.

Her one question was why now. Why did we want to start a family now? Of course she didnt let us really answer but proceded to tell us about how she had traveled the world and she wanted that for us and how important it was for our marriage and our family. We really didnt know each other yet and needed to spend more time exploring the world together before we started a family, and everyone is having babies in their 40s!

It was kind of shocking to hear a grown adult not understand that everyone is different and that we can live our life our way that is best for us and it wont look just like hers. And the thing about people starting families in their 40s! Thank God Hubbs sister (a nurse) piped in and said something about risks in later pregnancies, but really, who cares we cant get pregnant so why are we talking about waiting until we are 40?

Of course later that day we sat in the hot tub listening to her talk about how excited she was and how fun it would be to have a little one running around next year. She is crazy but what family isnt? I know she will love our child and be supportive and that is what really matters.