Friday, January 9, 2009

Blindsided

I have made so much progress, I am starting to be ok with baby bellies, all the cute baby Christmas cards, and friends announcing that they are expecting. I want to be happy for other people.

Yesterday I recieved an email from a couple that was really close to us when we were in college. They are pregnant. Those simple words through my emotions into a tailspin. I was instantly back in the dark place with my emotions yelling out its not fair! I was blindsided, I had no idea I would react like this, I should be happy for her, but I am not. I thought I was doing better. I am so confused right now.

Some background on our relationship.

Hubbs and I and this couple were all really great friends in college, we havent talked as much as of lately, but we would still go and see them if we were at home. We were all dating at the same time and did a lot of stuff together. We got engaged in May, and they would say that is what gave him the courage to ask his girl to marry him. They were engaged that fall. When we both set the wedding dates theirs was a month before us. We laughed about it alot at how it was not fair that they couldnt get married before us.

They were one of the first couples we told that we were TTC and they thought we were crazy but happy for us. See, they didnt want to get pregnant for a while. She wanted to finnish grad school and wait awhile. THEY DIDNT WANT TO BE PREGNANT! We would talk about this, it was always a mystery to her why we wanted to start a family so young. When we found out about the endometriosis we shared with them our struggles with infertility and that we are planning an adoption. They are great people and have been encouraging and supportive.

When I read this email, my gut reaction was, "There is no way that you are going to do this again, they dont even want kids yet!" Wow. That is just plain ugly. I hate my reaction and how I feel about this, I want to be happy with them, I want to call her and giggle and talk about baby stuff, still the phone sits. Honestly I dont know what to say to her.

I think the hardest part of this is that it was a surprise, something that just comes so easy to them that it snuck its way in to their lives. A baby that i know they will love and cherish now that it is there. I hope she sees how amazing this is, and how greatful she should be.

Pray that I will find the courage to call her, even if I have to pretend.

7 comments:

kcmarie122 said...

sigh.....

I've so been there. I could've written this post myself. I remember how hurt I was when my friends who "weren't ready to have kids yet" announced they were pregnant with twins about a year later...when I'd been TTC that whole time with not even a hint of success. It's like salt in the wound.

It feels so incredibly unfair and yet there's nothing that can be done to make it fair and that is frustrating as hell.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. And all I can say is that I hope the initial pain of it subsides quickly and you are able to move forward in time.

Hugs!!!

kcmarie122 said...

By the way...don't feel like you have to call if you don't feel up to it. Maybe just send an e-mail instead back. If their own announcement didn't warrant a phone call, then why should you have to call them to congratulate them.

Whatever it takes for you to get through this with the least amount of pain possible while still feeling like you are making somewhat of an effort...I say do it! ;)

B MoM said...

i completely understand how you feel, just as I'm sure many of us do. It's tough, being friends with (or related to) someone who "accidentally" gets pregnant, when its something you so desparately want. The pain and the envy will be there, but eventually it will lessen. Eventually, you will be able to be happy for her (with only a minimal amount of faking). It takes time to adjust. the interesting thing is....usually we look at other people and think, wow, they are so lucky they have it great, and it's very likely that many people are looking at you and your DH and thinking the same thing.

Amy said...

Well, like many others will tell you, I've been there done that. I know what you're going through. I pray that God would heal your heart and give you peace. I've finally been able to have that peace in my life and I hope that you would soon find it too.

Dreamer4agift said...

I'm sorry ((hugs))

So Barren said...

That's soooo hard I know how you feel. I sometimes think I am doing so well but certain pregnancy announcements are harder for me than others. My brother got married a year after me, waited a year to have kids and they now have two! I bawled for weeks both times I found out they were pregnant! It sounds bad, I love their kids! I think I just feel like everyone around me is moving and I am standing still. It just sucks!

Greg and Heather said...

My heart aches for you as I know this feeling all to well...I blogged very similar a couple days ago


http://www.wondrafulbaby.blogspot.com/

I love you verse and it brings me so much comfort to just know the HE is LORD!