Friday, October 31, 2008

Adoption Info Meetings

Last Tuesday we went to an information meeting for an adoption agency. I was so anxious all day, I guess I just didnt know what to expect. The meeting was actually pretty low key, lots of information, and next step kind of stuff.

We liked the focus they had on the Birth Mother. They are very big on counseling and coaching the Birth Mother on options that she has. At first that was hard to hear because I was thinking, no you cant encourage them to keep the child, but then I quickly realized how awful that thought was. Of course the best thing for the Baby would be to stay with the Biological family. I guess i saw a little bit of my selfish side coming out. I have to keep reminding myself that this is not about me, but about a child.

There was a slight feeling of being sized up by the staff there. I wondered the whole time if they were stereotyping us as a certain kind of parents and what that was. Towards the end some questions we asked got misunderstood and it was frustrating because they concluded things that just weren't true about us. Hubbs says not to worry about it, that they will get to know us for real if we choose that agency and do the homestudy with them. I am still haunted by the thought that first impressions are everything.

The staff at these adoption agencies hold a lot of power over us. I wonder if they realize that.

Two more meetings this week. Monday with the county and Wednesday with another private agency.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Hope is building

So we made a decision. We are going to adopt.

At first, I wasn't really excited about it, it was just a decision, a way forward. Basically it came down to feeling very uncomfortable with IVF ethically, not knowing what to do or how to decide, and we felt that the adoption process would give us time. We have always wanted to adopt, we just thought it would be kid 4, 5, and 6 instead of the first. I know it will be a long process, but at least it is a way forward, something to look forward to.

Slowly, hope is building. Everyday I get a little more excited about the child that will come to us. With the infertility grief I had pushed all thoughts about a family and a baby to hold into a very dark closet with a padlock on it. I just couldn't think about it. I took the lock off. Slowly those hopes and dreams are coming out. It still hurts, my heart is still heavy when I see mother's with their infants, but the other day I smiled at them. I thought about the child I will be holding, I felt kind of warm and snuggly inside.

I am ready for hope. I am ready to be happy again, to be able to make it through a day of work motivated and undistributed!

I think my day is coming.