What I am thankful for

All day yesterday I got to experience things I am Thankful for. So much has happened over the past year, so much pain and disapointment. It is hard sometimes to look back and find the joy, but not because it isnt there, its just that pain is louder, more vivid sometimes. It gets in the way of the Joy. So today, I wanted to make myself look back and find the joy and be thankful. So here we go.

1. First off is my husband. I can not tell you how thankful I am for him with words, you would have to see the smile on my face to understand. He loves me more than I ever imagined someone could. Even when I am whinny, mean, prideful, arrogant, selfish, and just a big jerk, He loves me. He has stood beside me holding me up through every step of the IF journey, and now too with the adoption process. He is my advocate in all of this. We have made so many changes of the past year, and I have never made a bad decision by choosing to follow his leadership. He is wise and honest and a loving servant to all who know him and even those who dont. He will always go out of his way to make things easier for others before himself. I love him so much.

2. My Family. I love my parents so much. They have encouraged me everyday of my life to Love the Lord and do great things. Their love for each other is an inspiration. And Hubbs family too. We are growing together slowly but we are making it work and I am growing to love them more each time we are together. Everyone has been supportive through this process and understanding with the adoption. I am thankful for who they are and will be to our child.

3. Moving to California. Two years ago we joined a mission agency called the U.S. Center for World Mission, in march we moved to Pasadena CA where their headquarters are to work with a program called INSIGHT. I love my job and I love this community. All of the staff live within 3 blocks of the campus in all directions. I have never experienced anything like this, it sounds like a commune, but its not that scary. These people know how to love and share with one another. I love walking down the street and seeing people I know, being invited in, playing with their kids, leave walk a little further and do it all over again. Last night we had pie fest! Everyone in the community brought pie and we fellowshiped and ate, it was awesome.

4. The Mason family. A week after we moved in at the Center, the Masons arived. They are a fun loving family of five that we instently connected with. We shared our burden with them earlier on and K was able to share with me about miscarriages and struggles she had as well. It was exactly what I needed to get through. They have spent many a late night talking with Hubbs and I helping us make some really hard decisions. They have always pushed us on and challenged us with truth from scripture. Yesterday we had Thanksgiving with them, it was perfect, because we do consider them family. Their kids are really excited about the adoption and are asking when they will get to see the baby. It makes me smile.

5. My friends. Hubbs and I have stayed very close with a lot of our friends from college and back in NC. I wish I could name each of them and write books about how thankful I am for them. They have brought so much joy and laughter into our lives over the years. Every one of them responded with love when we told them about the IF. Over the last few weeks and weeks to come we have been calling them to tell them personally about the adoption, and what a joy to hear their celebration! They are so loving and encouraging it makes me smile talking about them. What a gift they are.

6. Skype. This is what keeps me in touch with my family and specifically my nephew. E is 4 and has autism. He is the happiest litttle guy in the world. I was so worried that he would forget us when we moved away but with Skype you can talk over a live streaming video. I love talking to my mom and dad and actually seeing them, I know it brings them joy as well. And with E, he LOVES IT! I think he likes us better on the computer! We play games and sing songs and he never stops giggling. I love him so much and cant wait to hug him and hear that giggle for real. So I guess this one should say Skype and E.

7. INSIGHT Students. Hubbs and I work in College Mobilization. Meaning that we educate and encourage students to get involved in Missions. I could not have more fun with this. There are 15 students in the INSIGHT program and they bring so much joy into our lives. Our house is an open door and they are always walking in. We have game nights and birthday partys or one will just show up to get a break from studying. They have become and extended family for us, and we cherish them. THe program is only for a year and I cant even think about may and how sad it will be to see them go, but how exciting to see them grow and go out into this world to make a difference. They all have such passionate and couragous hearts. Really they inspire me.

8. Roses. When we moved into our current house there were rose bushes outside in grave need of pruning. I have never had a garden before and didnt really know what to do. So a neighbor came by and helped me prune them, and then I did two all by myself. They are BLOOMING! I know it is almost December but this is southern California. It is amazing to watch what looks like a bush stump begin to bud and grow and then have a rose bud and slowly open. Everyday I go out and see how it has gotten a little bigger. I feel acomplished when I look at it.

9. Music. I bond with people over music. I love to sing, dance, not very good at either but that doesnt matter. People gather over music and I love that. I love to worship, anywhere and everywhere, it is how i connect with God. I love to clean and dance around our house and see the smile it brings to hubbs as he laughs at my silliness. I love to sing Disney ballots in the shower and hymns while I do dishes. I love musicals, and Transiberian Orchestra, and 80's hair. I love the energy from music. I love how music and express what we do know how to say.

10. I am thankful for a GOD who knows me and still loves me. This is the scarlet thread that ties my life together. Even in the darkest places of pain in my life He never left me, He was always there holding me in the palm of His hand. He allowed me to be angry and yell at Him. I still dont understand why everything is happening the way it is, but I do know this. God will not waste my pain. He will and is using it to make me stronger, to draw me closer to him and to Hubbs. He is working things out to His good. Everything in life is about HIS GLORY not mine. I have to remind myself of that ever day. I am so thankful that I had a rock to sit on when I couldnt stand. Even in the pain He showed me that He loved me, He got us this house! You should go back and read the story, it makes me cry when I think about the times I didnt trust Him, and how crazy that was. I love the LORD more than words can express.

So there it is my long (sorry) list of thankfulness. I know that 2009 will be year of my joy and probably more pain. Hopefully this time I can make the Joy stand out more.

Provision in Darkness

This week something amazing happened. In the middle of the week I thought something horrible was happening, I felt lost, forgotten, and ready to break at any moment. Now that the week is over and I know the ending, the whole week is part of an amazing story. Not that the middle didn't hurt, It did, but with a miraculous ending, the middle and beginning are redeemed for the good. It was all a part of the happy ending.

It all started last Sunday. Our pastor shared this passage from Isaiah:

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God"?
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint, and strengthens the powerless.
Even youths will faint and be weary, and the young will fall exhausted;
but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength,
they shall mount up with wings like eagles,
they shall run and not be weary,
they shall walk and not faint.

The words hit me hard, that was me, I was asking where is God, why is he non concerned with my life. I felt hidden from the Lord. I know it says that He is here with me, but where is my eagle to fly on, where is my rest!

Then we had the lovely doctor appointment I have already written about. The lack of hope in my life was growing, and I was becoming more depressed.

In the midst of all of this, hubbs and I have been trying to move into a new house. Our apartment was a total of 310 sq feet. Not the biggest place in the world but livable for the two of us. We work for an organization that owns homes and subsidizes rent for their staff, and a house down the street had become available. An adorable two bedroom home with a little yard outside. The word on the street was, it was ours. I was excited, the house was enough space for the two of us, plus one, and perfectly in our budget.

Then the construction started. They decided to renovate. Renovation = Rent increase. The house was quickly becoming unaffordable, and the more people we talked to the more we learned that this was the new trend. Every house that became vacant was going to be renovated, meaning we would never (atleast not anytime soon) be able to move out of our 310 sq ft apartment!

My world quickly began closing in around me. I was so depressed, so angry. I felt completely abandon and like the entire world was working against us. A friend asked if I felt like I was treading water while someone kept pushing my head down. That is exactly how I felt, like I couldnt get a break, good news would never come.

Friday night I was a zombie, washing dishes and cooking dinner while staring out the window. Hubbs tried to talk but he could tell I wasn't in the mood. I was thinking about all the things that had gone wrong over the last few days and what they meant for our future. I looked at Hubbs and said, "There is no hope, we cant afford the doctors, we cant afford a big enough house, no social worker in their right mind would let us adopt after having a home visit here!" I sobbed. My dream was dying.

Just then a knock on our door. I turned quickly to hide my wet face, and pretended to be cooking dinner. Hubbs got the door, it was the housing director. He came by to tell us they decided to let us have the house at the original rent rate, before the renovations!

I literally fell on the ground and wept. I don't know what He must have thought but I didn't care, I was so overwhelmed. He told Hubbs that He couldn't leave work today until he had worked this out. That we must be very special to God, for He always looks after His children. I tried to say Thank you, but I just cried smiling slightly through the tears.

Talk about being lifted up on Eagles Wings! My heart soared! God is listening to my prayers, He wont let me fall off the edge, He wont abandon me. He does care about our dreams. I felt so loved, and so full in that moment. And a strange peace about the whole baby thing. We needed this house, and He knew that.

Why did He let us go through all the pain? I am not sure, but I know that I am stronger for it. I learned a little more about who God is. He is creator, and God almighty, the Big amazing all powerful God, but He is also tender and caring, and the one who provides rest.

Haven't you heard! The LORD is God Almighty, Creator of the entire earth! He doesn't grow weary, He will bring you power, He will bring you strength!
When everyone else grows weary He will Lift you up and give you the strength to carry on! Seek Him, and He will give you rest.

I love my new house =)

A Song that makes me cry

We sang this on Sunday, it is one of my favorite songs, I used to sing it with a huge smile on my face, saying "YES Lord, I will bless your name always," now with tears streaming down my face all I can say is, "Lord give me the strength." But again I sing, because I know its true, and I want it to be true of me.

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

Worthy, in spite of my pain

We have been traveling, so it has been a while since I have been able to write. Sorry this is late.

Two weeks ago Hubby and I were at a conference in Dallas for work. It was a great weekend to relax and network with other mission agencies. During the large sessions they would have times of praise and worship. Singing is when I bare my heart to my God. This has never been harder.

I am so bitter, mad, confused, scared and hurt. Why me, why cant I have a baby, it hurts so badly at times, and I dont understand. I am angry with God. At first I didnt want to sing, I couldnt even mouth the words, I just thought about my situation, my pain.

I argued with God.

Then this song, a song that is very dear to me, a song that once upon a time would have lifted my heart, put a smile on face and given me peace as I praised my King.

Chris Tomlin's How Great Is Our God

The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice

He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end

The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb

Name above all names
Worthy of our praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

I wanted everything to stop, I wanted to leave, to run out of the room, but I couldnt hold it in, I couldnt help but sing, crying, sobbing, my heart sang, I didnt want to, I was angry, I didnt want to worship Him, I wanted to give in to my anger, but my heart sang, I couldnt stop the words coming out of my mouth. It was painful, and hard, but without a shadow of doubt, I know deep down in my soul, My God is great, and He is worthy of praise, no matter what my situation, I cant not give Him Glory. Even though I fought it with everything in me, I had to sing.

I am still angry, I am still hurt, but that does not change the fact that I am madly in love with a God that is worthy of my Praise.