Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Provision in Darkness

This week something amazing happened. In the middle of the week I thought something horrible was happening, I felt lost, forgotten, and ready to break at any moment. Now that the week is over and I know the ending, the whole week is part of an amazing story. Not that the middle didn't hurt, It did, but with a miraculous ending, the middle and beginning are redeemed for the good. It was all a part of the happy ending.

It all started last Sunday. Our pastor shared this passage from Isaiah:

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God"?
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint, and strengthens the powerless.
Even youths will faint and be weary, and the young will fall exhausted;
but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength,
they shall mount up with wings like eagles,
they shall run and not be weary,
they shall walk and not faint.

The words hit me hard, that was me, I was asking where is God, why is he non concerned with my life. I felt hidden from the Lord. I know it says that He is here with me, but where is my eagle to fly on, where is my rest!

Then we had the lovely doctor appointment I have already written about. The lack of hope in my life was growing, and I was becoming more depressed.

In the midst of all of this, hubbs and I have been trying to move into a new house. Our apartment was a total of 310 sq feet. Not the biggest place in the world but livable for the two of us. We work for an organization that owns homes and subsidizes rent for their staff, and a house down the street had become available. An adorable two bedroom home with a little yard outside. The word on the street was, it was ours. I was excited, the house was enough space for the two of us, plus one, and perfectly in our budget.

Then the construction started. They decided to renovate. Renovation = Rent increase. The house was quickly becoming unaffordable, and the more people we talked to the more we learned that this was the new trend. Every house that became vacant was going to be renovated, meaning we would never (atleast not anytime soon) be able to move out of our 310 sq ft apartment!

My world quickly began closing in around me. I was so depressed, so angry. I felt completely abandon and like the entire world was working against us. A friend asked if I felt like I was treading water while someone kept pushing my head down. That is exactly how I felt, like I couldnt get a break, good news would never come.

Friday night I was a zombie, washing dishes and cooking dinner while staring out the window. Hubbs tried to talk but he could tell I wasn't in the mood. I was thinking about all the things that had gone wrong over the last few days and what they meant for our future. I looked at Hubbs and said, "There is no hope, we cant afford the doctors, we cant afford a big enough house, no social worker in their right mind would let us adopt after having a home visit here!" I sobbed. My dream was dying.

Just then a knock on our door. I turned quickly to hide my wet face, and pretended to be cooking dinner. Hubbs got the door, it was the housing director. He came by to tell us they decided to let us have the house at the original rent rate, before the renovations!

I literally fell on the ground and wept. I don't know what He must have thought but I didn't care, I was so overwhelmed. He told Hubbs that He couldn't leave work today until he had worked this out. That we must be very special to God, for He always looks after His children. I tried to say Thank you, but I just cried smiling slightly through the tears.

Talk about being lifted up on Eagles Wings! My heart soared! God is listening to my prayers, He wont let me fall off the edge, He wont abandon me. He does care about our dreams. I felt so loved, and so full in that moment. And a strange peace about the whole baby thing. We needed this house, and He knew that.

Why did He let us go through all the pain? I am not sure, but I know that I am stronger for it. I learned a little more about who God is. He is creator, and God almighty, the Big amazing all powerful God, but He is also tender and caring, and the one who provides rest.

Haven't you heard! The LORD is God Almighty, Creator of the entire earth! He doesn't grow weary, He will bring you power, He will bring you strength!
When everyone else grows weary He will Lift you up and give you the strength to carry on! Seek Him, and He will give you rest.

I love my new house =)

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I hate going to the Doctor!

I don't think Tuesday could have been worse.

Bad news #1: The endometriosis has created an environment that is non conducive to fertilization. We had not heard this yet, we thought we were just one tube down and that was all. Her opinion was that meds, and other procedures wouldnt work because you are still depending on your body to ovulate and allow the egg to be fertilized and I have a BAD enviroment. So we should go straight to IVF, which I am not comfortable with.

Bad news #2: The only fertility specialist they have is a mean cold women who is not good at what she does. That was directly from the docs mouth! So we could get a consult from her, but it probably wouldn't be accurate and she would like us to go to a fertility clinic.

Bad news #3: Our insurance wouldn't cover the Mean lady even if we wanted to go! We were kind of counting on doing as much as we could under insurance before going elsewhere so we could save up some money. This appointment was the end of the road for us with insurance.

So what do we do now? First we cry, then we figure out how we are going to pay for all of this. I think I found a clinic that I would like to go to, but even the consult is $315. I hate that money is a part of this. I never wanted to have to think about a child with a price tag attached.

So we are in the same place we were in before we went, no game plan.

I can get a game plan, but that will cost me $315.

I hate this.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Let the Games Begin

We have a doctor appointment scheduled for Aug 12th. (The day before our anniversary) The plan is to get an assessment of where we are, what's working what's not, and what our options are. Hopefully this appointment will give us all the info we need to get a game plan. I am anxious to get started, the summer of Lupron has just been a lot of waiting and letting my mind run (not good) so I am ready to do something and get some real answers!

Any suggestions on questions I should have for the doctors from you girls that have been here would be awesome.

Monday, August 4, 2008

A Song that makes me cry

We sang this on Sunday, it is one of my favorite songs, I used to sing it with a huge smile on my face, saying "YES Lord, I will bless your name always," now with tears streaming down my face all I can say is, "Lord give me the strength." But again I sing, because I know its true, and I want it to be true of me.

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Trying to live in the Ballance

I feel hopeful this morning.

I don't know why, nothing has really changed, I just woke up this morning thinking there's still a chance we will get pregnant. I mean there is always a chance right. It felt good to be hopeful.

With hope comes dreaming.

As I laid in bed this morning my head was full of images of what life would be like as a family. How awesome it would be to see my husband cuddling our newborn. Beautiful images of going to the park, photos, tiny clothes, giggles and coos, fixing up a nursery, holding my baby bump and finally looking into the tiny eyes of my child as I rocked them to sleep.

With dreaming comes anxiousness.

With each thought my heart got more excited and more impatient. When will it happen, how long will we have to wait? I began to think
about all the treatments and all the options we have before us. How many needles will it take to make a baby?? I don't like needles. Will it work at all, or will our little blessing come to us another way.

With anxiousness comes fear.

I am afraid. I am afraid of being hurt by my hopes. I hate not being able to achieve the one thing my body was created for, the reason I am a woman. I hate being broken, and I am so afraid of what that means. I know that we will be parents somehow, but I don't want to let go of the desire for God to create a child inside me, from me and hubbs. I am afraid of what I will feel like if that can't happen, if there is no chance.

I don't know what comes next.

I want to be able to jump back to hope and dreaming. But how do you hope with out being afraid of what that hope might bring, hurt and disappointment. How quickly I fell from hope to fear, how did that happen? How do I stop it? The more I hope and the more I dream the harder I fall when the bad news comes, the deeper the hurt when I see a mother cuddling their baby. Hope makes me feel good, I don't like being depressed. I want to be hopeful. Is it possible to live with this strange balancing act of emotions? I don't know.