Saturday, June 28, 2008

Worthy, in spite of my pain

We have been traveling, so it has been a while since I have been able to write. Sorry this is late.

Two weeks ago Hubby and I were at a conference in Dallas for work. It was a great weekend to relax and network with other mission agencies. During the large sessions they would have times of praise and worship. Singing is when I bare my heart to my God. This has never been harder.

I am so bitter, mad, confused, scared and hurt. Why me, why cant I have a baby, it hurts so badly at times, and I dont understand. I am angry with God. At first I didnt want to sing, I couldnt even mouth the words, I just thought about my situation, my pain.

I argued with God.

Then this song, a song that is very dear to me, a song that once upon a time would have lifted my heart, put a smile on face and given me peace as I praised my King.

Chris Tomlin's How Great Is Our God

The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice

He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end

The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb

Name above all names
Worthy of our praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

I wanted everything to stop, I wanted to leave, to run out of the room, but I couldnt hold it in, I couldnt help but sing, crying, sobbing, my heart sang, I didnt want to, I was angry, I didnt want to worship Him, I wanted to give in to my anger, but my heart sang, I couldnt stop the words coming out of my mouth. It was painful, and hard, but without a shadow of doubt, I know deep down in my soul, My God is great, and He is worthy of praise, no matter what my situation, I cant not give Him Glory. Even though I fought it with everything in me, I had to sing.

I am still angry, I am still hurt, but that does not change the fact that I am madly in love with a God that is worthy of my Praise.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

And the Doctor Said...

A whole lot of nothing. It wasnt necessarily a bad appointment, just not what I expected. The Doc was more concerned with doing the Post Op and making sure I was healing from the surgery, and I wanted to know all about the Endo and what this all really means. So while he was checking my vitals my husband and i were firing off hundreds of questions about fertility, endo, and the treatment. We got some answers but by in large the statement of the day was, it is hard to answer those questions at this point, Heal first, then we will talk about your options.

The Doc did start me on Lupron, so I guess I have a whole 3 months to think about this, and what is coming next. What is Lupron like? I have heard it is basically Menopause, Yipee! This is going to be a really interesting summer. Definitely not the one I imagined.

I think I needed more from the Doc then I was going to get anyways. I wanted straight forward answers, you are infertile, the endometriosis has ruined your chances of getting pregnant naturally, something. I dont like the grey answers, well, it is going to be hard, you never know, it is hard to say, everyone is different, JUST SAY IT!

I know all those other things are true as well, but I am having a hard time excepting this as my reality, and I truthful shot to the gut would throw me into it. I would have to believe it and accept it. As for now, with all the grey answers I can still pretend that everything is fine, and My baby bump is right around the corner.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Overwhelmed with encouragement

I am simply overwhelmed by the online IF community. It started with a google search, and then I ended up on Lost and Found an awesome blog focused on building an online IF community. The next thing I know I have all these comments from women who are in the same situation, just wanting to say hello, give a hug, a little encouragement, and honesty that this situation sucks! So I just wanted to give a Thank you, to all of you. You have made me feel lifted up and encouraged. It is a easier knowing that I am not alone, and I am excited to see what I can learn from everyone else.

Monday, June 2, 2008

The Beginning...

For the past year, the Hubby and I have been trying to start our family. The plan was simple, throw away the condoms, do the baby dance, and get pregnant. It seemed pretty straight forward, and neither of us put that much thought or emotion into it. It was just time, and it would happen when it was suppose to. After the first couple of months went by and no baby magic, I started to get anxious. I don't think I was prepared to have to wait. I don't like waiting. I thought I didn't care, that I was OK with just seeing what happens, but I was wrong. My emotions were in this deep, and with every passing month, it hurt worse and worse.

This process is such a rollercoaster! You start off hopeful, full of love, and excitement to make a baby, fertile week comes and the anticipation grows, then you wait, do you feel different, a little sick this morning, fever, tired, hungry, anything? Of course the time that you find out your not pregnant just happens to be the same time your insides are playing Mortal Kombat with each other and your emotions have turned you into a bipolar lunatic. So the rollercoaster comes to a crash, somehow staying on track and slowly moves on to start all over again. There is always that moment where you ponder getting off, is it really worth doing it all again, will the end ever change.

This was life, not all of it, there was a lot of joy and excitement going on as well, but this is what was lying just underneath the surface.

Then we hit an even bigger bump, cysts were found on my ovaries. At first they were said to be normal average cysts and nothing to worry about. (I always worry) It was a little bit of a relief to have an answer as to why things weren't happening. Then we began to talk about the possibilities, I hate that doctors have to be so thorough! These were problems I didn't want to think about, but all the what ifs began anyways.

Regardless of the outcome the cysts had to be removed, so surgery was scheduled and out they came. I remember sitting in the waiting room with hubby listening to Slick Shoes, and writing down the positives things: getting rid of scary cysts, time off work, lots of chocolate, free food, sleeping, no more nightmares about blob like monsters eating my insides, and getting back to baby making!

Hours later I awoke, sore, and drugged. I remember the look on hubby's face, smiling, he looked tired. I didn't want to ask, and he didn't want to tell me. If everything had gone perfectly well that would have been the first thing he said. But he didn't, he just said I love you.
Eventually it came out, the doctors found endometriosis. They were able to scrape most of it away, but one tube was blocked up.

The last couple of days have been a blur. I don't think i am ready to process what all this means. I feel lost, and kind of numb. All the dreams of family and baby bellies have been put away. It is easier to just not think about it, to not answer questions or even talk to people. I don't want to answer how i am doing, I honestly don't think I know. Hubby has been so strong, and wonderful, he answers for me, he deals with people so I don't have to. I love him.

We go back to the Doctor on Wednesday. I don't want to go. I know they will have answers, but I am not sure I want them.