Monday, June 2, 2008

The Beginning...

For the past year, the Hubby and I have been trying to start our family. The plan was simple, throw away the condoms, do the baby dance, and get pregnant. It seemed pretty straight forward, and neither of us put that much thought or emotion into it. It was just time, and it would happen when it was suppose to. After the first couple of months went by and no baby magic, I started to get anxious. I don't think I was prepared to have to wait. I don't like waiting. I thought I didn't care, that I was OK with just seeing what happens, but I was wrong. My emotions were in this deep, and with every passing month, it hurt worse and worse.

This process is such a rollercoaster! You start off hopeful, full of love, and excitement to make a baby, fertile week comes and the anticipation grows, then you wait, do you feel different, a little sick this morning, fever, tired, hungry, anything? Of course the time that you find out your not pregnant just happens to be the same time your insides are playing Mortal Kombat with each other and your emotions have turned you into a bipolar lunatic. So the rollercoaster comes to a crash, somehow staying on track and slowly moves on to start all over again. There is always that moment where you ponder getting off, is it really worth doing it all again, will the end ever change.

This was life, not all of it, there was a lot of joy and excitement going on as well, but this is what was lying just underneath the surface.

Then we hit an even bigger bump, cysts were found on my ovaries. At first they were said to be normal average cysts and nothing to worry about. (I always worry) It was a little bit of a relief to have an answer as to why things weren't happening. Then we began to talk about the possibilities, I hate that doctors have to be so thorough! These were problems I didn't want to think about, but all the what ifs began anyways.

Regardless of the outcome the cysts had to be removed, so surgery was scheduled and out they came. I remember sitting in the waiting room with hubby listening to Slick Shoes, and writing down the positives things: getting rid of scary cysts, time off work, lots of chocolate, free food, sleeping, no more nightmares about blob like monsters eating my insides, and getting back to baby making!

Hours later I awoke, sore, and drugged. I remember the look on hubby's face, smiling, he looked tired. I didn't want to ask, and he didn't want to tell me. If everything had gone perfectly well that would have been the first thing he said. But he didn't, he just said I love you.
Eventually it came out, the doctors found endometriosis. They were able to scrape most of it away, but one tube was blocked up.

The last couple of days have been a blur. I don't think i am ready to process what all this means. I feel lost, and kind of numb. All the dreams of family and baby bellies have been put away. It is easier to just not think about it, to not answer questions or even talk to people. I don't want to answer how i am doing, I honestly don't think I know. Hubby has been so strong, and wonderful, he answers for me, he deals with people so I don't have to. I love him.

We go back to the Doctor on Wednesday. I don't want to go. I know they will have answers, but I am not sure I want them.

11 comments:

BethH6703 said...

Just wanted to stop in and give you a virtual {{{{{hug}}}}} from a fellow endo sufferer. I've been thru 2 surgeries to remove my endo, and there are lots & lots & LOTS of treatment options out there for us. LOTS of them.

Speedy recovery to you, and I hope that your appointment goes well.

andrea_jennine said...

Welcome to the infertile blogging community. Sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad we're all in this together.

r_is_moody said...

I just wanted to drop in and say Hi and welcome to the blogosphere.

I really hope that your appt today goes much better than you anticapte.

Mya said...

I just wanted to say hi and welcome to blogland. I hope that your struggle with IF is coming to a rapid end.

Yoka said...

Welcome to the infertility comunity. I am sorry you have to be here.

I also had endocysts and had already two surgergies because of it. After a surgery the chances of conceiving are higher, so use them...

Good luck wit your journey!

Io said...

Welcome to the IF blogosphere - nobody wants to be here, but it is wonderful support. I hope your stay is short.

Dreamer4agift said...

Hi. I saw your blog over on Mel's Lost and Found page and thought I'd pop over. Just wanted to let you know that I was diagnosed with endo last July after a lap...I was scared, angry, and just so confused. I did my share of looking up things with Dr. Google and found all sorts of info. Like Beth said, there are lots of options. You can do this. I'm sure you're stronger than you realize. You can find strength in numbers, and even though the road of endo is hard, there are others to lean on. I hope you're appt went better than expected, and I'll be checking back in on ya.

((hugs))

Still Standing Strong in A Bloom of Hope. said...

Oh, I found you on Mel's Lost and Found!

I have endo as well and just had them, along with my cysts, polyps and fibroids removed.

I was and still am lost but am coping better. I feel your pain and frustration and I just want to give you a big hug.

I'll be coming back to check on you.

I've just tagged you.

Elizabeth said...

Hi,
Welcome to the blogosphere! I'm also an endo sufferer. I had a lap in 2007 to remove an endometrioma and other adhesions, and unfortunately, the endo damaged my one good tube (I have a uterine anomaly as well). Oh, and my endometrioma is back after our fresh IVF cycle. It sucks, and I'm sorry you are dealing with it as well.

Rachie Pachie said...

Welcome to blogging...

We're also suffering from endo & it most definitely sucks. Sorry to hear about your surgery & the blocked tube.

Hope that your appointment goes well today!!

Mike and Jen said...

Hi! You don't know me and all I know of you is what I just read after randomly arriving on your blog! But I felt the need to respond and tell you that I have endo as well. I've struggled with it for 9 years now, resulting in 9 surgeries and years of every tormenting thought and despair imaginable. But I'm here to tell you that we have 2 beautiful children that we were told we wouldn't be able to have. It was a long, painful road but well worth it. Don't give up...there is SO much more known about endo than there was 9 years ago and it's only getting better. God bless and if you ever want to chat about it or find out more info. from someone who has been on the long road, feel free to contact me. Blessings, Jen