Saturday, June 28, 2008

Worthy, in spite of my pain

We have been traveling, so it has been a while since I have been able to write. Sorry this is late.

Two weeks ago Hubby and I were at a conference in Dallas for work. It was a great weekend to relax and network with other mission agencies. During the large sessions they would have times of praise and worship. Singing is when I bare my heart to my God. This has never been harder.

I am so bitter, mad, confused, scared and hurt. Why me, why cant I have a baby, it hurts so badly at times, and I dont understand. I am angry with God. At first I didnt want to sing, I couldnt even mouth the words, I just thought about my situation, my pain.

I argued with God.

Then this song, a song that is very dear to me, a song that once upon a time would have lifted my heart, put a smile on face and given me peace as I praised my King.

Chris Tomlin's How Great Is Our God

The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice

He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end

The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb

Name above all names
Worthy of our praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

I wanted everything to stop, I wanted to leave, to run out of the room, but I couldnt hold it in, I couldnt help but sing, crying, sobbing, my heart sang, I didnt want to, I was angry, I didnt want to worship Him, I wanted to give in to my anger, but my heart sang, I couldnt stop the words coming out of my mouth. It was painful, and hard, but without a shadow of doubt, I know deep down in my soul, My God is great, and He is worthy of praise, no matter what my situation, I cant not give Him Glory. Even though I fought it with everything in me, I had to sing.

I am still angry, I am still hurt, but that does not change the fact that I am madly in love with a God that is worthy of my Praise.


Hope2morrow said...

He is worthy of our praise. I find comfort knowing that God cries with us; He knows our heart's desires and they will be exalted to His glory!

Jen said...

I'm your surfer for the Roundup Extravaganza at Lost and Found... and I'm so glad to have been paired with you. I've only read a little so far but I'm already loving what I'm reading! I'll be back frequently.

Jen said...

How Great is our God indeed! I just turned that song to listen to you as I write. I've just read your whole blog (I'd only read the first two paragraphs of this post when I first posted).

I was where you are more recently than I'd like to remember.

The best word I can offer you is that grief is a cycle. I can so resonate with you about feeling what you don't want to feel and NOT feeling what you DO want to feel. It goes around and around, and I confess that I'm still surprised sometimes when it comes around again. But I will tell you that each time it does, I learn a little more about myself and about our Great God. Be encouraged, but also be fortified. This is a long journey, but there is a plan in it for you. A good, noble, virtuous plan. Hold on to that hope, even if you can't feel or see it. Trust the God you know is good. Trust your past with Him that's taught you that, even if right now it's harder to feel.

A book that helped me a lot with my Infertility Grief was Water From The Rock: Finding God's Comfort in the Midst of Infertility.

I'm glad you found the Lost and Found Girls. There's a wonderful group of Christian gals who are all linked on my blog if you want to explore and find some more friends. Also, we'd love to have you at Hannah's Prayer which is a Christian Infertility Support Site, for women at all stages of IF--beginning, long term, primary, secondary, etc...It's been a great source of encouragement and friendship for me and I'm sure we'd love to have you if you're so inclined.

Looking forward to keeping in touch...

Dreamer4agift said...

Glad to see you updated, even in your anger and frustration. What I'm learning (or more so being reminded once again of) is that God is big enough to handle our emotions and feelings. His arms are big enough to hold us up when we can't even lift our head. I also like that song. If that's what has always spoken to you, then keep singing it, my dear friend, keep singing. I've clung to the song "Still"..."I will be still, and know You are God."...


I Believe in Miracles said...

Hi. Just found your blog on the blog roll. I love the title, and love this last post.

God is great!! And he has great plans for you!!

kjames106 said...

It takes a very strong person to praise Him when they are hurting so badly. God is so full of grace and I pray that over you. I pray he gives you this miracle at the perfect time and that you blessings are so abundant you get knocked right off your feet.

Heather J. said...

I found your post on Mel's RoundUp and I just had to comment.

After our 2nd IVF, I "felt" pg - I just KNEW it had worked. I didn't tell hubby b/c I wanted to wait for the "official" results. Two days later I started bleeding uncontrollably. That was on a Sunday morning.

The following Sunday I stood in church to sing (like you, so much of my joy comes from the music) and the band began playing this song:

When peace like a river
attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billow roll,
Whatever my plot
Thou has taught me to say
It it well, it is well
With my soul!

The tears were streaming down my face as I sang that song with all my heart. I truly believe that one song, played that particular Sunday, sped me on my way to peace like nothing else could have.

Thanks for sharing your story - it brought me right back to that Sunday 2 years ago.

Heather J. said...

(ok, so I misspelled some thing in that song ... like "billows" and "plot" instead of "lot" ... oops!)

Lori said...

When your heart is so big that it can hold two opposing feelings, it is sure to be filled with immeasurable joy.

Beautiful post.