A Song that makes me cry

We sang this on Sunday, it is one of my favorite songs, I used to sing it with a huge smile on my face, saying "YES Lord, I will bless your name always," now with tears streaming down my face all I can say is, "Lord give me the strength." But again I sing, because I know its true, and I want it to be true of me.

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

Trying to live in the Ballance

I feel hopeful this morning.

I don't know why, nothing has really changed, I just woke up this morning thinking there's still a chance we will get pregnant. I mean there is always a chance right. It felt good to be hopeful.

With hope comes dreaming.

As I laid in bed this morning my head was full of images of what life would be like as a family. How awesome it would be to see my husband cuddling our newborn. Beautiful images of going to the park, photos, tiny clothes, giggles and coos, fixing up a nursery, holding my baby bump and finally looking into the tiny eyes of my child as I rocked them to sleep.

With dreaming comes anxiousness.

With each thought my heart got more excited and more impatient. When will it happen, how long will we have to wait? I began to think
about all the treatments and all the options we have before us. How many needles will it take to make a baby?? I don't like needles. Will it work at all, or will our little blessing come to us another way.

With anxiousness comes fear.

I am afraid. I am afraid of being hurt by my hopes. I hate not being able to achieve the one thing my body was created for, the reason I am a woman. I hate being broken, and I am so afraid of what that means. I know that we will be parents somehow, but I don't want to let go of the desire for God to create a child inside me, from me and hubbs. I am afraid of what I will feel like if that can't happen, if there is no chance.

I don't know what comes next.

I want to be able to jump back to hope and dreaming. But how do you hope with out being afraid of what that hope might bring, hurt and disappointment. How quickly I fell from hope to fear, how did that happen? How do I stop it? The more I hope and the more I dream the harder I fall when the bad news comes, the deeper the hurt when I see a mother cuddling their baby. Hope makes me feel good, I don't like being depressed. I want to be hopeful. Is it possible to live with this strange balancing act of emotions? I don't know.

How to answer the "How ya'll doing" question

The Hubbs and I have been traveling a lot this summer, too much really. I am exhausted physically and emotionally. We have visited a lot of people and the first question they all ask is, "How are ya'll doing?" I don't think they really want me to answer. What would I say anyways. How do you explain all this. I can tell my closest friends, but to people that you just know, even friends, but not the kind of friends that you talk to all the time, How do you tell them. Do I even have to? I don't really want to, but how do you answer that question.

I feel like if I did just talk about it, put it out there, that people would feel awkward about it. That it would be too much information. I feel like there is something broken with me. Why is this so hard? Why do I feel like I have some hidden disease? How many women are going through the same situation and are hiding it as well.

I would love to know how others deal with this. How do you just casually say, my husband and I are struggling with Infertility, we may not be able to have babies, my insides are broken, anything with out freakin people out.

a confession...

so... I made fun of a pregnant women the other day. Sadly it was awesome!!

It was a girl that I hadn't seen in awhile, she passed by Hubbs and I saying "just making my trip to the potty." I smiled and nodded and in my mind I was thinking "man she looks fat, chubby chipmunk face, and she waddles big time" It actually made me giggle I was so humored by my thoughts. Hubbs noticed of course and asked what I was laughing at. I blushed at being caught lowered my head and whispered in his ear. He looked up with a huge smile on his face and said "yea, she looked likes like a penguin."

This is why I LOVE my Hubbs!!!

I know this is not nice, or healthy, but it did make me smile. And I didn't say it out loud, that's something right? Am I the only one who does this? I hope not, I feel bad even posting about it, but I thought it was funny and that i needed to confess. If these little evil indulgences keep me sane is that ok?

If you are pregnant and reading this, I am sooo sorry, I dont mean to hurt anyone, its just the pain talking.