Be Still and Know

Social workers a kind of nice

2009-04-17T11:40:00.000-07:00

Our interview went really well. Of course I was way more nervous than I needed to be, but that was expected. She asked lots of questions about our marriage, how we met, what attracted us to each other, etc. We talked about what we were open to as far as ethnicity and sex of the child. Overall it was really good.
We also got the update as to where we are in the process. Looks like we still have about 3 months to go. I was kind of disapointed, I thought we were almost done, only a few interviews, but she is really busy and works with a lot of families. We have to wait our turn and not rush. I get that, I just wish that it was explained a little bit better as to how this all works and the time that it takes. They are very concerned about not giving time frames so as to not give expectations to families because it is variable. But it would be helpful to know the times that are not variable, like taking 3 months to do interviews after our four months of classes.
I really am ok, just needed to vent a little bit and readjust.

A great weekend

2009-04-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

We just spent Easter weekend camping at Pismo Beach and it was awesome. About 60 people from our staff went and just had fun for a few days. The camp is right near the beach so it was just a short walk over the dune to the gorgeous beach. California beaches are so different from beaches on the east coast. At first it seems the same and then you notice the huge mountain falling into the water in the distance! It is amazing. We got some great pics for our profile while we were there too. Everything was so scenic, it was picture mania. The long car ride there gave us lots of time to work on our profile, which is great! When it is done I will get pics of it up here for yall to see.

Today we got back with the social worker and rescheduled our canceled apointment for Thursday at 10:30. I am so excited to get this process moving again!! Hopefully it doesnt take too long to get through the interview part. I have been thinking a lot about what the interview will be like.

Question: For those of you who have adopted domesticaly, what was the first interview with your social worker like? What questions did she ask, what was talked about, etc? Anything to help me feel prepared and less anxious would be awesome. Left to myself to imagine is not always the best!

Catching Up

2009-04-06T11:36:00.001-07:00

So the training last weekend went great! Everyone was there and we got everything done. It was really encouraging to hear about all the new locations and get their feedback. A big success. Now I have to figure out what my job looks like after this. I have spent the last 8 months preparing for this training and now it is done. What do I do now?

On the adoption front, we had the first meeting with our social worker scheduled for tomorrow. This morning we got a message from her that a young birth mom went into preterm labor over the weekend. She needs to fill her day tomorrow with meetings of the girl and potential families. I was sad, but glad to see so much care going into the situation. If I was the birth mother or the adoptive family waiting I would want my social worker to push her other meetings aside! So I am glad but disappointed. We had to wait a while to get this meeting scheduled, so I am hoping since we are rescheduling that we can do it quickly and pick a date that is soon.

Back on the work note, all our students are gone on spring break. I miss them already. There are only 12 so we get fairly close, like a large family. There are gone for a week, but it only makes me think about how quickly May 17th is coming when they will be gone for real. It is hard working with a one year program, they come and go so quickly. But they never really stay away, they always come back to visit and sometimes alumni come back and live here, so hopefully they will all choose that option. =)

My weekend

2009-03-26T10:39:00.000-07:00

This has nothing to with adoption or infertility but just what is going on in my life, work life to be exact.
I am running a training this weekend and It is a HUGE deal. I think everything is ready (obviously If I have time to post at work then I am ready). It is just kind of nerve racking for people from all over the country to fly to Pasadena to hear me tell them how to run an INSIGHT program.

You see it is actually my anniversary, one year ago this week, I started this job. I took over from another girl who had been starting this office. (this is all really hard to explain) There has been an INSIGHT program for the last 9 years, but expanding it to new locations is a NEW thing. My new thing. In the last year I have learned how to run a program, wrote the training manual (literally) created a training program and now in less than 24 hours will be teaching this training to representatives from 4 locations that want to start their own INSIGHT program. I am a little overwhelmed.

The greatest part about this it is is so obvious that there is no way that anyone could look at me and say what an amazing person you are or wow you are so talented. If you knew me and saw these results you would instantly give God all the glory for this work. I am wreck, and He somehow pulled all of this off over the last year. It makes me hopeful when I look to the future. There is so much more to be accomplished, but I know that God is not done, and He will continue to work and pull together more than I can imagine!

Please pray for me and my confidence over the weekend. And that we are able to accomplish all that we need to do in just two days. yall are amazing!

Official Adoption Class Graduates!

2009-03-24T09:34:00.000-07:00

Woohoo! We are done! Last night was a 4th and final adoption class, so now we are on to the interviews with our social worker. The end is in sight and it feels kind of weird.

Last night was awesome. We talked a little about the assumptions people make about birth mothers (young, crazy, drug addicts, poor, etc) and what they actually are. Most of the birthmothers they work with are over 24-35. I was surprised by that, I had definately bought into the idea that adoptions are mostly from teen pregnancies. The sad truth is, most teens dont want to carry the baby for 9 months and just get an abortion, Sad.

The second half of the class they always have some kind of panel and this night it was birth moms. This was really awesome to me, because they were two perfectly normal women in their mid 30s. One had placed 12 years ago and the other 2 years ago. The second was pregnant again and was placing the new baby with the same family who has the 2 year old. How cool is that!
Both of these mothers have very open adoptions. They see the adoptive family once or twice a month, talk on the phone often, spend all major holidays together, etc. It was really impressive. There was a lot of talk about boundaries. They were both very adiment that they did not want to coparent and that they respected the parents decisions.

I think that is the most scary part of open adoption for people. The idea that there will be this other woman who has a very substantial connection with the child hanging around and intruding on your parentness. That the birth mom will have a deeper connection with the child, love her more, and want to really be with her. And that the birthmom will act like the parent, be judgemental of the way the child is being raised etc. These girls didnt have any of that, they saw that as a stereotype and were very focused on not doing those things. And they really didnt want to. They wanted their child to bond with the adoptive family, to want to be with them more than her. They understood the reality of the situation and worked for the good of it.

Oh and we went to Babies R Us and it was awesome, lots of fun and overwhelming looking at all the gadgets and stuff that "someone" says we need. If we bought everything we "needed" our house would be full of baby junk and we would be able to pay for our adoption! We did buy our first baby item: a blanket from the bedding set we picked, we went with bunny meadows. I love it and it looked fine in a white crib. Now I have the pattern and colors and cant wait to start painting the dresser!

Last Adoption Class

2009-03-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

So tonight we go to our last adoption class. Tonight we will meet a panel of Birthmoms (they are already matched with a family, so this is not like the parade of maidens in front of a crowd of young men) I am really anxious, not in a bad way, I am just eager to hear what they have to say. I want to know how they decided and what made them feel comfortable. I think I need to see that they are OK and not damaged for life. I think it will be a really exciting night.

Also on the way there, we are stopping at Babies R Us! I have convinced Hubbs that we need to decide on the bedding theme for the nursery and buy one thing so I will have the colors and patterns to start painting and stuff like that. I am sure we will stroll around and peek at other stuff as well. I am kind of nervous, I have not been in Babies R Us since before we found out we counldnt get pregnant. The last time I was in there I was dreaming of my baby belly. I think it will be good, We need to let loose and have some giddy dreamy time of what life will be like with baby. I am sure I will think about it, but we are so excited about a baby joining our family, I think the excitment will overcome the sadness and loss. Or atleast that is what I am rooting for!

Spring!!!

2009-03-22T11:50:00.001-07:00

So it is officially spring time, and I love it! Even though I live in Cali and it has been warm for awhile, I love the idea of spring. Spring is a time for new beginnings. Everything is blooming or getting ready to bloom and the bugs are all crazy doing the flower dance.
We have a lemon tree in our front yard and it just started blooming. The smell is amazing! I have tried to spend more time outside with the sun. I think it makes me feel better.
I also am trying to plant flowers. I have never had a garden before so I dont really know what I am doing. I have some seeds that someone gave me, but I think I might be too late and there are all listed as full sun flowers. My yard only has partial sun. If anyone is a gardener and would like to give me some help, I would sure appreciate it! I have a window box on our porch that is in a pretty shady area (it was put there by someone before us) It needs flowers so I am trying to decide what to put there and whether it should be seeds or just go get the one from Lowes that are already blooming.
Maybe I should go outside and sit on my porch until I get some inspiration!

Kicking the Funk

2009-03-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

My last post was on March 2nd. Over two weeks ago. That is pitiful. I have thought about posting, even got as far as pulling up the new post screen, but then I sit there and stare at the screen with nothing to say.
I have been in a funk. Not depressed but just a free floating funk where I am going along and letting my life pass me by. I am not awake and alive. I cant live like this, its not me.

I am a fun loving person, who wants to enjoy my life, every day! I am full of energy and laughter and creativity. I like to be active and out doors. For some reason I have forgotten this lately, and I want it back.

I have decided today that the funk is over. I am kicking the funk out the door. Not asking it politely to leave or giving it a time frame to leave by, I am picking the Funk up and throwing it out the door with a smirk that says Come back this way and I will kill you!

It feels good to be rid of the Funk.

What do you think?

2009-03-02T11:09:00.001-08:00

Hubbs and I spent some time looking at crib bedding over the weekend since I couldn't do anything but lay in the bed. It was fun and we came down to too different ones. We both really like the Bunny Meadows set and the other I like but he is not so sure because it has polka dots. he hates polka dots.

So this is my dilemma. We have a white crib, and the bunny set is mostly white with browns and greens. Check out the pic it is super cute! So what do you think it would look like in an all white crib? The crib in the pic is white and brown. Will it be too blah, the room it is in we cant really paint (we rent) so I was going to use decals for the walls. The carpet is a deep brown color that will match great. I really need help with this because I have a hard time envisioning it.

Hubbs said we should just go to Babies R Us and take the bedding out and set it up in one of their white cribs! I am not so sure how they would feel about that, but it might be worth a shot.

Please help!

Druged up weekend

2009-02-28T01:00:00.000-08:00

So getting the teeth pulled today was not that bad. It is kind of weird, I remember the IV going in and them putting stuff in my mouth, and they said they were done. It felt like 5 mins had passed, but in actuality it was about 30. weird.

The pain is not that bad so far, I have been icing it and taking the meds. I slept most of the day so that is why I am up blogging at 1 in the morning.

My hubbs has been wonderful taking care of me, you know it is friday, so this is perfect! My hubsband rocks becuase of how sweet he is when I am sick. I can be a real baby with not wanting to do a lot and just lay in bed. He made me dinner and brings me my meds on a little tray. I love him so much. I think he is going to make an awesome dad.

It is so fun watching Hubbs interact with kids. He loves them! We have some good friends with three girls and they are always asking when Hubbs is coming over to play. When ever we see them on campus, they always run to him for high fives I love it. There are several families that we have baby sat for, all older kids. I dont think I could do the baby thing for someone else. I dont want to do that until it is mine. Maybe that is selfish, but I havent held a baby baby since before we found out about all the infertility. I think I would burst if somone asked me to hold their infant. I kind of want to keep it that way until we are matched and I get to hold my child. I know I am setting myself up for a very emotional moment, but that is ok.

Wow, well that is what you get on drugs at 1 in the morning, a lot of random rambling!

Stupid tooth

2009-02-25T19:52:00.000-08:00

Grr.. I know that my wisdom teeth are a problem. I have never taken them out because they never hurt, until now. My mouth feels like it is going to explode with pain! I hate that a tooth can cause this much pain. I have a head ache, stomach ache, and my jaw is throbbing.

I am off to the dentist tomorrow to see what they say. I hate the doctor!

Oh bright side, I think I will atleast get some good pain meds as a take home prize!

Adoption Class # 3: Infertility and Adoption

2009-02-24T15:19:00.000-08:00

I wish I could put to words the feeling of turning in our homestudy paper work last night. It was like I took this huge piece of stress and just handed it over. And on top of that to be able to pay the bill IN FULL, it was a great moment. I dont think the gal who took it from us understood the gravity of the moment, she said thanks and tossed it on a desk like it was just a stack of papers. Didnt she know how much time and energy we put into those answers! Oh well, we know and we felt it.

The class was pretty good, not our favorite but we are getting to know people more each time. We talked about dealing with grief over infertility. I was ready to go in there and be really emotional and feel that heavy rock that builds in my stomach at times like this. But it didnt happen. When I started to share in my little group, I talked about the past, how I felt. I was ok. I realized that i had dealt with these emotions and worked through the grieving stages and I am now in a good place. Praise God! Hubbs said the same thing, that He felt like this class would have been helpful a few months ago, but that He is doing really well with it right now. We felt strong, it was awesome.

The second half of the night they always have a panel of people come in and share their experiences. This was amazing! Three couples and their adopted babies (I know, babies on the night that we all talked about how we cant get pregnant, really, who thought that was a good idea!) They each told their story, of how when they met the birthmother, what that meeting was like, how long they waited, what the birth was like, the relationship they have now with the birthmoms and a lot of other stuff. I listened to everything they said, but I think more than that I just stared at three beautiful families that look perfectly normal. That will be me. I will be sitting with my Hubbs and a sweet little baby in my arms cooing every time I talk.
It really was magical.

Yard Sale Success!

2009-02-22T08:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was one of the most tiring days of my life. Especially since Friday had that title until yesterday. Yesterday we had a yard sale!

Over the past month we have been collecting donations from our community to sell. Everyone was really excited about it and willing to pitch in. All day friday was pricing and sorting and long theoretical conversations about the worth of a particular item. Signs went up about midnight and we fell into bed.

The sale started bright and early at 7am. We had a ton of stuff, big pieces of furniture, kid bikes, pottery barn pillows, electronics, toys, books, all the random nick nacks and more clothes than I think I have owned in my whole life. We started off slow but had a great late rush between 10 and 1 it was kind of wierd yardsale behavior but whatever they bought stuff. We also hung signs that said all proceeds to to the Baby Hoffman Adoption Fund. I think it made a difference, people like giving to a good cause.

Going into this Hubbs and I were hoping to make around $400. We need $900 to pay the bill for the Homestudy. We figured this would help and then we would save the rest over the next couple of months. Hubbs loves numbers and statistics so by 10 he knew that we would meet our goal if in the last half we sold proportionally the same every hour as the first three hours. I have no idea what that really means, I just smile and say, Sure Love! Throughout the day he would come and collect my big bills, so I really had no idea what we were making. Everytime he would ask I would have atleast one or two twenties, it was like they kept multiplying in my bag!

As things started winding down we started calculating our profit. I could have cried when Adam told me our pure profit was $750! What I did do was scream YEAH! and a little happy dance. God is so faithful. We had two families that gave us donations yesterday as well, so the grand total $900. I wasnt kidding about the God being awesomly faithful! We made EXACTLY what we needed. This is such a gift, to not stress about the last little bit to pay that bill. I am on cloud nine right now.

We have a class at the adoption agency on Monday and I am so excited to walk in there and hand them our Completed homestudy paper work and a big fat check.

Praise God!

Questions from the homestudy

2009-02-18T07:54:00.000-08:00

I have been really surprised at the types of questions they ask on the home study. I expected it to be more theoretical about parenting, but it is way more practical. They want to know specifics! We kind of feel like we are writing out how we will parent for the next 18 years which just seems silly. Instead of asking how do you teach children healthy eating habits, or what are healthy eating habits, they ask, when is dinner time, are kids expected to eat everything, who decides portions, can kids make their own plates, what if they dont like the food and so on. I guess they are getting the same information, but Hubbs and I kind of stare at each other confused and confess that we have no idea who will decide the portions during dinner. So we talk about it for a minute and write something down.

I keep trying to remind myself that this is a tool for the social worker to get to know us, and make sure we are going to be healthy parents. I wont be repremanded if I dont pull the homestudy out in 5 years to make sure I am using the exact bedtime we said we would.

With that said, some of the questions have been kind of funny. Our favorite section has been on Potty Training. Here are the questions for your enjoyment.

Toilet Training

1. When would you being: With a boy? With a girl?
Remember we are adopting an infant, this really isnt on our minds yet

2. How would you accomplish it?
I have no idea!! we have never done this before, but I am sure I will read about it some day and have a great answer. I think we wrote something about talking about it with the child, setting a start time, and then asking them every 30 mins if they have to go everyday until they get it, and when they do we will throw a Potty Party with a toilet cake and they get underoos for presents. I would go to the potty for that.

3. When would you expect a child to be completely trained?
I hate setting expectations, they always make me feel like a failure in the end.

4. How do you handle accidents or bed-wetting? Soiling?
Hubbs' first response to all questions like this was "kick them in the head" He was kidding of course, it was funny at the time. If the case worker could somehow record our conversations as we filled this out we would be done!

5. How important are toilet habits to you?
What in the world are toilet habits?? this question made us laugh for about 10 minutes, we talked about, well I sing on the toilet, and hubbs reads, but our kids should not flush toys, or play in the toilet, I really am not sure what they are asking here, I think in the end we said something about wiping well and washing hands. They really should be a little more clear on this.

In the end I think we are doing a good job, but really I just want to write I dont know for almost every answer. It leaves you feeling a little inadequet and I am reading parenting books like a champ to try and figure this stuff out so we answer well. We are going to be the most prepared parents in the world!!

Sorry for the Silence

2009-02-11T09:32:00.000-08:00

I have been such a bad blogger lately! I am sorry that I have been silent, I have been reading others blogs I just didnt have much to write about myself. Work is also really busy right now. It is good because great things are happening in our ministry, but it is a lot of work! I do want to post soon about some of the home study questions. I think it would be interesting to see how yall would answer some of the questions. We worked on it for 3 hours last night.
We are going to be superparents!

Dragon Parade

2009-02-02T15:56:00.000-08:00

We went to the dragon parade on Saturday in celebration of Chinese New Year. It was awesome, lots of contortionist, acrobats, martial artistist, dragons and amazing food. I love Chinese food!! We had pork dumplings and chow mien and some pastry thing filled with I don't know what but it was GOOD!

Anyways I just wanted to share some pictures from out little adventure.

It is good luck to put money in the dragon's mouth so they worked the crowd, made me want to put on a dragon head!

Holy Crap, she is balancing on her collar bone, holding on with her teeth and spining those rug things.

Hanging out on some spears

Jumping through hoops, backwards, frontwards, spinning.

Dancing dragons in the parade

He started out laying down and slowly stood up holding her like this, never even wobbled.

Then she curled up holding her feet like a ring and he tossed her up and put his arms through her like a game of ring toss, she fell all the way until she was resting here on his thighs. I dont think I have that much trust in anyone.

So that was out day, a fun little adventure date out with the Hubbs. I think we are going to practice some of those moves for the staff retreat talent show.

My Husband Rocks!! A day late

2009-01-31T09:22:00.000-08:00

Tuesday was my Birthday, I turned 28. Hubbs loves to plan our date and then hide the plans from me only leaking little clues to keep me excited. I knew the basic idea was dinner and a movie. I checked the movie listings and told him what I thought was good and he was really noncommital about it (kind of making frustrated) For Lunch me and the girls went out for Lebanese, I love Hummus! When I got back there was a note on my door with directions written out, but no address. Teaser! I quickly googlemaped the last intersection and tried to figure out where we were going. It looked like a neighborhood, so confusing.

Later we were hanging out with our students after their class and he had this piece of paper with the address and name of the resturant. He was waving it around teasing me the whole time, showing it to different people. The girls from my small group told me that it was awesome and I would have a wonderful night, but they wouldnt tell me where I was going. I need to work on their loyalty to me!

After work we walked home, and started getting ready. He did tell me that we would be eating outside (I love those kind of resturants) so I needed to dress warm. Right before we left Dave, Hubbs' boss, asked if he would drop off the work he collected today so he could start grading, and that the girls wanted to say Happy Birthday to me. I love his girls, so this was not a problem, and they live in the neighborhood.

We left the house, directions in hand, pulled into dave's for our quick stop. As we opened the side door to thier backyard (they dont use the front door) There was all of our students and friends yelling Happy Birthday!!!
My husband is such a good liar!!! I was so surprised, and I loved it. They had dinner for us, and had baked me a cake, it was awesome. Hubbs had been planning this for a week, and all the students were in on it, so when they were looking at the "directions" they knew exactly what was going on. Sneeky.

The next night we went out on our date, just to dinner, no movie which was fine. It was great to just get out with Hubbs and have that time to talk. I love him so much, not just because he can surprise me, but because he loves to. He knows how to love me in a way that I truly feel loved.

But the fun didnt stop there, the next night we had a Birthday party for two of out students. They wanted a dance party, so we moved all of our furniture out of the living room and brought out the speakers. It was amazing! They had so much fun goofing off and making up dances. These are not the kind of kids you are going to see booty dancing but they know how to have a good time. We danced for three hours straight and then at 11 we had to quiet down. It was so much fun, I think we are going to do it again soon. There is something about dancing that lets go of so much stress, I love it.

So that was my week. Thanks Hubbs for being amazing.

Adoption Class# 2: The Profile

2009-01-27T09:26:00.000-08:00

Last night we went to our second adoption class. Most of the same couples were there, two were gone and one was new. The same women (whom we love) led the session. Topic at hand: The profile and how to Network.

Talking about the profile was fun, I love pictures and putting together books and the such. I think Hubbs and I will have a blast putting this together. We already joke about "oh this is a total profile pic moment, grab the camera!" It was a little stressful hearing about what the expectant mother wants to see or read. Not that we cant put those things in there, its just making sure we say it right.

Things to include:

Headshots, upclose fun pictures
Talk about our extended family
Where we live, community
What we do and how baby fits in
How baby fits into our lives in general
Why we are adopting
Our history
How we are preparing, classes, books, etc

My mind is already reeling with ideas of how to put this together. It doesnt have to made for a few months, but I think I will start sometime soon.

The other part of the night talked about Networking. This was a little more stressful. Basically she said the more networking you do the quicker the process will be. 1/3 of their familes choose to also work with an adoption lawyer (cant afford that!) so profiles are getting to more moms. They asked us to enlist our friends and get them to take a copy of our profile just in case they hear of a situation. This felt ocward to even think about. Everyone knows that we are adopting, so if the girl nextdoor turns up pregnant I think they would think of us.

I know we are suppose to be our own best advocate, but isnt this why we are paying an agency!! Money is tight to pay for just that, we dont have more money to canvas all of SoCal, so I guess we just have to wait longer. I hate waiting and I hate that money could buy us a shorter wait. (Sorry this quickly turned into a rantfest) We already send out bimonthly newsletters about our life and ministry, have two blogs, a 40 person prayer team that gets weekly emails, I mean what else can we do?? All we can do is wait, and trust that God has everything in his hands with the perfect Mother at the perfect time. I hate waiting.

For those mothers who have already adopted or in the process, what did you do? Did you network for yourself, where and what? Is this normal for an agency to tell you to get extra help? How long did your wait last?

A good day out

2009-01-25T23:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a day of errands. Typically this means that hubbs and I will make a list, check it off, and about half way through someone will become short, irritated, and sarcastic. Then we will fight, or bicker and end up cutting our errands short so as not to kill each other and return home safely together.

Yesterday was different. We had a blast. There was even a few hang ups that should have made the day more stressful, like spending two hours at the police station to do our Livescan and fingerprints, but somehow we breezed right through it. Strange, but wonderful.

Hubbs hates to window shop or just look at things we dont need to buy. I love it! Especially when it comes to shoes and baby items (now that I can walk in the baby isle with out bursting into tears) Well yesterday while we were in Target, Hubbs asked if there was anything else we needed to get, I replied no, unless we wanted to swing by the baby isle just for fun. He jumped right on it. Grabbed my arm and said well that is in this direction! I was stunned but didnt want to look too surprised and make him feel weird and loose the moment.

We looked at strollers and highchairs, and bassinets. He really looked too, not just entertaining me with a yea love that is great, but He was checking out all the specks and reading the safety stuff, talking about how he liked this handle and that because it saved space. I was in Heaven, it was so fun to have him playing the dream game with me. I love my hubbs, he truly is an amazing man. He really stepped up yesterday and was exactly who I needed him to be and it was awesome.

And to top it all of we agreed on a stroller that we love. The Graco travel system. I love the brown and blue, those are the colors we are using in the nursery. If anyone has used this or knows anything about it, I would love to hear the good and the bad, just to make sure we picked a good one.

Adoptive Breastfeeding

2009-01-21T10:54:00.000-08:00

When I dream of being a mother one of the scenes that repeats over and over in my dreams is cuddling a child at my breast. I have always wanted to breastfeed and see it as a very beautiful and natural part of motherhood. Finding out about the infertility broke this dream to pieces. It was one of the dreams that pained me the most, I thought I would never have the satisfaction of Breastfeeding my baby and that broke my heart.

Today I have been reading about Adoptive Breastfeeding and I can not tell you how much Joy I have. It is totally possible! I guess it makes sense, I just never thought about it before. I am so excited.

I think this quote sums up my feelings:

"After all those years of infertility, it was nice to feel like there was something important that I could do for a child that no one else could!"

I will breastfeed my babies, like every other mother who chooses to do so. I will get to have a piece of natural motherhood. So much has been taken away from us, I think this is amazing, and I am so excited to spread the word.

There is a lot to it though. One article I read recommended pumping as soon as you found out your were matched, at least once a day. Wow, this will be a huge commitment, but I think it is worth it. There is also a drug that can be taken, Domperidone it seems like a safe option. Some mothers reported only pumping for a few weeks before the baby was born in combination with the drug and had an ample milk supply.

Even if the milk supply is not strong and supplements are still needed, the benefits from this are unmeasurable. The bond that is created between mother and child, emotionally, physically, I want that, and I see it as important.

Well I am not going out tomorrow and buying a breastpump, but I am excited and will keep researching on how this works. Any comments or suggestions are welcomed!

Today is a great day.

2009-01-19T22:11:00.000-08:00

Today is a moment of History. Today will be remembered as the day the first African American was sworn in as President of the United States of America. Today is a great day.
I am excited about today not just because I believe in Obama and the change he wants to bring to this country, but because of what today represents. Today will be a day that I tell my children, my grandchildren, I remember when our first African American President was sworn into office. I will recall the story as they listen in amazement at the tale of history, the way our parents do about Kennedy's death, or my grandpa retelling the chicken in every pot speech.
Today gives me hope for my children that they live in world that knows racial reconciliation. We have come so far, and we still have so far to go. I pray that this is just the beginning of minorities being lifted up and included in the elite.
When I think about adopting African American children, I think of the hope Obama brings. They will be able to look at someone who has achieved so much, and who looks like them. They will be able to dream of being president one day and know that it is a possibility. I am so thankful.
Today brings hope, to a country that is pretty low on optimism. Obama will not do everything he promised, and he is sure to disappoint us, He isn't perfect. What He is though is inspiring, energetic, and the shot in the arm we all need to get this country back on its feet, take charge and be the great nation that we should be. Obama knows how to rally people to be the change. He is not the change, we all are. The country will not change because he says so, it will change when we do. We need someone to believe in us, and help us to believe in ourselves. When we love one another, accept one another and are willing to get out and help one another up, that is what makes us stronger, that is what makes us great.
I pray today is the day we start to believe.

My heart knows the truth

2009-01-15T10:00:00.000-08:00

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you disquieted with in me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my help and my God.
Psalm 43:5

Sometimes I am stressed and anxious and feel hurt and angry, but Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him. I still have days where I dream of being pregnant, nights where I fall asleep with tears in my eyes, but Hope in God my soul, I will again Praise Him. Will it really work out, will we really make it to the prize and become a family, Hope in God, I will again Praise Him!

Sometimes something within me looses hope, it questions, doubts, and stirs up troubled thoughts, but my heart knows that God is faithful. I know that He will not forsake me, He has plans for me, great plans, He loves me. I just have to remind myself, that one day soon, We will be praising the Lord for His greatness, and our beautiful baby.

Tag You're It!

2009-01-11T10:43:00.000-08:00

So I was taged forever ago by Jess to do the seven things. I am sorry it has taken me awhile to get to it but better late than never. I am resting this morning with a tummy ache so I thought this wold be a good time to blog.

Rules:
A. Link to the person who tagged you.
B. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.
C. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

1. I grew up on a tiny little island of the coast of North Carolina, Hatteras Island. It is the most beautiful place in the world and if there was more than fishing, real estate, teaching, and owning your own business as options for employment I would move back there and raise my family. It is paradise for a kid, so much to explore, ocean, sounds, fish, marsh. I like small town feel where you feel free to let your kids roam outside all day and not worry about them.

2. Hubbs and I work with a mission agency doing Mobilization. I think this has become the hardest thing in the world for us to explain when people ask what we do. We dont go overseas, but help other people to do so, and encourage everyone to get involved in missions in someway. We raise our own support, and work full time at this. Last year we packed up everything and moved to California to work at the headquarters of our agency with a program called INSIGHT. There is so much going on here and we absolutely love it! By the way you should check out this class that is taught all over the country, it changed our lives, and I promise you wont be the same afterwards either. www.perspectives.org (the first website is horrible and we are aware of that and revamping it as I type, so stop back by in a few months and check it out again)

3. Hubbs and I were married on the Beach in Hatteras. It was the greatest wedding ever. I wore a white sarong from India and He wore shorts and a white cuban style shirt. My girls wore sarongs as well, and his guys were also in shorts and beachy shirts. It was absolutely beautiful. All of our guests came out and sat in the sand, I walked down an isle lined with seashells. It was totally laid back, and the best day of my life.

4. In college I owned 35 pair of underwear so I only did laundry once a month. I thought this was a genius plan, everyone else thought it was wierd. I just wore my pants several times before they were taged as dirty, and hung my shirts back up at the end of the day if they didnt smell. I thought it was great and saved a good bit of money this way as well.

5. I pretended to be a college student for about 3 years after I graduated. I am three years older than Hubbs. I graduated college in 03, we started dating that summer. When school started that year he was a sophmore. I spent a ton of time on campus with him so everyone thought I was still a student and i just didnt correct them. Our close friends knew my age, but I wasnt about to correct the people we hung out with ocassionally that I was actully older . =) I loved it, and played with them too, they would ask how exams were and I would say, Oh I have been done for awhile, they were great! Which was not a lie, just a dicieving truth.

6. I love photography. Studied it some in college and then worked in a studio for 3 years, four christmases. we judge our life by christmas in studio photography, because if you can survive that you can survive anything. I love working with babies especially newborns. Since we have been in Cali, I have not been able to do as much with my camera, but we just set up a studio for work and i cant wait to go play!

7. I love to bake and decorate cakes. I will find any excuse to make dessert for freinds or family. I love to be challenged and to conquer. I have thought several times about making this into a buisness but dont feel like I have the resources or knowledge to do so. As of now, I just do it for fun.

so there it is , me in a nutshell. That was a little harder than I thought it would be. Thanks for the challenge Jess.

I am going to Tag:
1. S. E.
2. B Mom
3. Amy
4. Dream4agift
5. Guera
6. So Barren
7. Karen

Blindsided

2009-01-09T09:28:00.000-08:00

I have made so much progress, I am starting to be ok with baby bellies, all the cute baby Christmas cards, and friends announcing that they are expecting. I want to be happy for other people.

Yesterday I recieved an email from a couple that was really close to us when we were in college. They are pregnant. Those simple words through my emotions into a tailspin. I was instantly back in the dark place with my emotions yelling out its not fair! I was blindsided, I had no idea I would react like this, I should be happy for her, but I am not. I thought I was doing better. I am so confused right now.

Some background on our relationship.

Hubbs and I and this couple were all really great friends in college, we havent talked as much as of lately, but we would still go and see them if we were at home. We were all dating at the same time and did a lot of stuff together. We got engaged in May, and they would say that is what gave him the courage to ask his girl to marry him. They were engaged that fall. When we both set the wedding dates theirs was a month before us. We laughed about it alot at how it was not fair that they couldnt get married before us.

They were one of the first couples we told that we were TTC and they thought we were crazy but happy for us. See, they didnt want to get pregnant for a while. She wanted to finnish grad school and wait awhile. THEY DIDNT WANT TO BE PREGNANT! We would talk about this, it was always a mystery to her why we wanted to start a family so young. When we found out about the endometriosis we shared with them our struggles with infertility and that we are planning an adoption. They are great people and have been encouraging and supportive.

When I read this email, my gut reaction was, "There is no way that you are going to do this again, they dont even want kids yet!" Wow. That is just plain ugly. I hate my reaction and how I feel about this, I want to be happy with them, I want to call her and giggle and talk about baby stuff, still the phone sits. Honestly I dont know what to say to her.

I think the hardest part of this is that it was a surprise, something that just comes so easy to them that it snuck its way in to their lives. A baby that i know they will love and cherish now that it is there. I hope she sees how amazing this is, and how greatful she should be.

Pray that I will find the courage to call her, even if I have to pretend.

Crazy Family

2009-01-07T10:14:00.000-08:00

We are home! I love my family and everyone we saw but I am so glad to be in one place in my bed and by ourselves!
I have been thinking over the trip and overall everything went well. No one had any major hang ups with the adoption and race. Hubb's step dad put it well, "A Child is who you raise it to be, I will love what ever child you have"
I really appreciated that.

It was funny to see that Hubb's Step Dad and K (Dad's girlfriend) had way more to say and ask about the adoption then his Mom and Dad. They both had their little rants about it. Which we kind of expected.

Our relationship with K is a love hate, smile and hug but dont turn your back on her kind of one. The hardest thing about talking with K is that the world revolves around her and that is just had to compete with. She has traveled the world, done everything perfectly and sees her life and experiences as the perfect model for the rest of the world. I could hardly get a sentence out before she was relating what I said (or what she heard) to some one she knew or something she had done.

Her one question was why now. Why did we want to start a family now? Of course she didnt let us really answer but proceded to tell us about how she had traveled the world and she wanted that for us and how important it was for our marriage and our family. We really didnt know each other yet and needed to spend more time exploring the world together before we started a family, and everyone is having babies in their 40s!

It was kind of shocking to hear a grown adult not understand that everyone is different and that we can live our life our way that is best for us and it wont look just like hers. And the thing about people starting families in their 40s! Thank God Hubbs sister (a nurse) piped in and said something about risks in later pregnancies, but really, who cares we cant get pregnant so why are we talking about waiting until we are 40?

Of course later that day we sat in the hot tub listening to her talk about how excited she was and how fun it would be to have a little one running around next year. She is crazy but what family isnt? I know she will love our child and be supportive and that is what really matters.

The End of 2008 and the beginning of 2009

2008-12-31T07:27:00.000-08:00

Its New Years Eve it feel like a regular day but it isnt. It is the end of an entire year and tomorrow is the beginning of a new one. I am not an overly sentimental person, but this year has been so tumultuous in our life that I am anxious today. Today marks the end of the year that we found out about the Endo, the year we moved to California, the year we decided to adopt. It has been the hardest year of my life.

Tomorrow is the beginning of 2009. A year filled with so many dreams. The year we should become parents and who knows what else. Will it be better than 2008? (Really, how could it be worse) willl 2009 be the best year of my life? There are so many unknowns ahead.

Today is also a day to reflect on what was acomplished and what wasnt, a day to set goals and ideas for the future. What do I want this year of my life to be about, what do I want to achieve. I have never set new years resolutions before, but I think I will this year. This is what I have so far.

1. Loose Weight. I know I am joining every other american in this statement, but it is true, I need to loose some pounds. I was depressed for alot of last year and not that I have any excuse but it does bring on the pounds when you just dont care about life. So starting tomorrow, I will start eating better, excercising etc.

2. Live life with Energy. Like I said I have battled a lot of depression this past year and I hate it. I want to be excited about life, to wake up each day and conquer it. I want to have energy again! I want to pursue my passions, be motivated and get more done in a day than is physically possible.

3. Expand my hobbies. I love to do random crafty things. I am not that good at any of them but I enjoy dabbling in a little of everything. I want to do this more and get better at it. I want to paint more, write some children stories, scrapbook about the adoption, paint my kitchen with flowers, decorate our house a little more, plant more flowers, cook more new dishes.

I am sure there are more but I think this is a good start, I will post more as I realize them. I am really bad at keeping goals that i set, so hopefully this year will be a year of change.

We are half way there!!

2008-12-28T19:37:00.000-08:00

We are half way through out visitation rounds. We have seen my parents, brother and his family, my grandparents and aunts and uncles. Today we visited with Hubbs stepdad, nana and aunt. Right now I am sitting in his sister's bed trying to be tired so we can wake up at 4 in the morning and drive to Florida to see the rest of his family. Needless to say I am a little worn out. Family is draining and especially with the added holiday run around, presents, dinners, parties, etc.

We have had good time to talk with all of the family so far about the adoption and mostly it has gone well. My sister in law is exstatic and really made us feel good about it. So are my parents. My mom gave us a white baby blanket that she crocheted. It made me cry. Their support was evident and really appreciated. When we got to my grandparents they asked alot of questions and had a lot of old ideas about what adoption looked like. They are from a different generation and I will never be able to explain all the details to them so they can understand. My grandfather made a couple of comments that could have been offensive about birthmothers, but I just let it roll off my back. It was kind of hard being around for the family catch up, hearing my grandma and her sisters talk and brag about who is having babies, or so and so and her 5th kid. Never did they mention us in the bragging list. It is kind of frustrating having to remind people that we will have a child too.

Today we got to talk with Hubb's stepdad, who is by the way a true southern boy. I love him but he is crazy and thinks he knows everything and never shuts up! When we brought up the adoption he ranted for a little while about how we better have legal contracts that say what the birthmother can and cant do because there are crazy people in the world and she could come back one day and kidnap our baby and be in mexico in no time. We assured him that we would talk to the social worker and ask about that (yea right) Hubbs asked about race and ethnicity I dont remember exactly how it came up, I think he just asked, and stepdad said that he would love whatever child we had just like he had raised Hubbs as his own. It was really sweet and then he quickly returned to the crazy mother rant.

The only somewhat negative response we got was from Hubbs' Nana and Aunt D (stepdads moma and sister) It was kind of strange. I was able to spend some time with Aunt D and tried to talk about it a little bit but she was not taking the bait. She was stone silent and didnt even seem like she was paying attention. Ussually she is real talkative, It seemed wierd. With Nana, Hubbs asked her if she had any questions, and she said No, she didnt want to know anything about it. (wow) Then there was silence. What do you say after that? Hubbs said that was ok, and she mumbled something about it being a different way of doing things and things happen or something and that was it. Very strange because I expected the exact opposite from both nana and Aunt D. It was like we struck a sore subject or a dark family secret that we dont know about. I am hoping that maybe they were just having a bad day and that it will change when there is an actual child. The good thing is this is family that we dont see very often maybe once or twice a year, so hopefully it will get better, but if not they will not be a huge influence in our child's life. (I kind of feel bad writting that)

So I guess so far so good. The main players are on borad and supportive. Tomorrow we will see Hubbs dad and Kari (the sometimes evil sometimes lovely girlfriend/stepmom) spend a few days there and then to His Mom's and hopeful not encounter her deadbeat boyfriend that just got them into a car accident because he was drunk and ran into a pile of dirt. (Classy)

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement, I probably wont be able to update again until after the newyear.

Blessings!!

Visiting with Family and talking about Adoption

2008-12-23T06:05:00.000-08:00

Hubbs and I have talked a lot about what we would be open to as to a child's race, background and medical issues. It is a lot to work through, they have a form that asks you about every combination of ethnicity on the planet.

This was not a hard conversation for us, when we heard that there are certain races that are less wanted, that was all we needed to hear. There should never be a child or group of people described as less wanted. The idea of building a multi-ethnic family kind of excites us. I know that we will be different and it will come with a lot of challenges, but I think we are up for it.

Before we fill out the form the way we would feel comfortable we feel like we have to talk to all of our family about how they would feel. This makes me nervous. There is no way that we could say yes to having an African American child if one of their grandparents wouldn't be ok with it. I think they all will, but I dont know for sure. There are a lot of people in the world that say they are not racist but would not want their family to be multiethnic. Maybe we are being to worried, but we feel we just need to talk about it. So the plan is to talk about it while we are visiting for Christmas. We have already talked with my parents and they already expected and are as excited as we are.

Now the fun part is how to not just walk in the door pass out the presents and blurt out so how would you feel about having a hispanic grandchild? It would be a whole lot easier if they brought it up, maybe they will. I really do expect everyone to be ok with it, atleast I really hope they will. I think we will wait until the last day and see if it comes up naturally as they ask us about the process. If not then we will have to bring it up, and just ask the question.

Please pray that everyone is excited and understands and will be loving and accepting of any child that we bring into the family.

THe Adoption Class

2008-12-18T10:10:00.000-08:00

This class was amazing!!

When we walked in the door there was about 8 couples sitting around in a circle, the lady teaching the class was sitting in the front chatting with one of the couples. We signed in and picked up our packet. A 2 inch stack of articles with the top one boldly stating "Parenting".

When we sat down I scanned the room and quickly realized we were the youngest couple there (maybe birth moms like young) everyone looked nice and was quietly talking with their spouse. My husband tried to break the awkward silence with a joking comment about the huge packet, and if anyone had tempted to look through it yet. Well that fell flat! (they are not funny, we are funny, birthmoms like funny) A few glanced up but quickly returned to their own conversations. (who wants unsocial people to parent their child)

The class started with a round of introductions, Hi I am the husband and this is my wife and this is our 2nd class, we are adopting because our equipment doesnt work yada yada. Until one couple mentioned that they were a little distracted because they met with a birthmother that afternoon!! Everyone's ears perked up then and flung the questions, "what did she ask?", "what was she like?", "Did you feel the Connection". They kindly debriefed with us a little but you could tell that they were completely overwhelmed and still processing the day.

The next sections is where the magic happened! An adoptive mother and three of her 6 (Holy Cow!) adoptive children came to speak with us. It was so eye opening to hear these girls talk about their lives and their journey, and to hear their mom tell us about the relationships she had or didn't have with their birth families. Honestly I was and still am completely overwhelmed and still processing all the information. But here are a few things that I learned.

1. I can do this.
The mom that was there sharing with us was no Martha Stuart. She was ruff around the edges normal old mom. and the girls were so well adjusted and had a confidence in who they were. They talked so naturally about their adoption. There was a lot of humor and sarcasm used as they described their situations. It was amazing. It was so empowering to see a normal women just like me have such a successful story! It made me realize that with a lot of love and good parenting that We can do this and have happy normal children who wont resent us for the rest of their lives.

2. Where Facts Flounder, Fantasy Flourishes.
They said that most kids make up a story as to why they were adopted. Some are putting themselves to blame and some are fantasy tales of arriving on the back of a dragon. The point is the more information you can give a child as to their history the less they will have to make it up. Confidence in who they are and who you are is everything, this is what will allow them to be comfortable with their being adopted. The girl that was adopted from Birth had always just known that she was adopted it was talked about often and there was never a sit down day to tell you about your secretive past. This makes sense. And they make great books called "Lifebooks" to help with it. More on that later!

3. Ways to talk about adoption that make sense to a child.
Just listening to the mom and girls talk about adoption was so helpful. Sometimes I just dont know how to describe it or what the proper way to say stuff is. The mom told her children that while they were growing in their birthmom's tummy that they were growing in their heart. How sweet is that! Another one: She told her son that his birthmom could be that his birthmom but she knew that she couldnt be his everyday mommy and so she came and found her to be his everyday mommy. How respectful and loving towards the birthmom! Totally keeping these ones in the arsinal.

4. People will say stupid stuff but with a little humor and sarcasm you will make it through.
Those girls had so much fun messing with people! The older girl was Hispanic and she told a story about how she was looking for her mom in the stands one day after band practice. A friend came over and said oh I bet I could pick her out. Her response, Sure go ahead and try! After her friend pointed to every Hispanic women in the crowd, she proudly pointed out her mom, the short blond on the front row. The whole story was told with laughter. There were stories about explaining to people they were sisters, and people asking the mom about the dad and what he looked like, and every kind of stupid question you could think of. Each response was sarcastic and funny, and made the situation light hearted.

There is a ton more but again I am still processing. Our next class is in January, many of the same couples will be there, maybe they will talk more next time. Maybe I will feel more comfortable next time, and less judgmental (probably not).

Hubbs and I leave tomorrow to go and visit family for Christmas. I will be in and out but hopefully not completely silent. It will be good (I hope) to see family but we will definitely need your prayers and strength. There will be lots of adoption and baby conversations, so pray that we will be able to utilize the humor and sarcasm trick well.

Prayer Request

2008-12-17T13:27:00.000-08:00

Sorry that I have not updated yall on the class, it was awesome and I was going to post about it today until I got this phone call.

My friends mom called to ask me to pray today. Megan (the friend) has gone into earlier labor at 24 weeks. This is their first baby and they are a very young couple. The mom was at work and had no one else's phone number to call, so I was asked to be in charge of getting the word out for people to pray.

At first I didnt think anything about it and sprung to action calling friends. Of course I got voicemail because no one seems to answer their phones these days. I quickly told them the situation, but then i started to say Let's all pray and ask God to work, and it all fell a part. Ask God to do what? I know He could save their baby, He created the child He can surely protect it, but what if things go wrong, does that mean that we didnt pray hard enough or that God couldnt do it?

All of the feelings of anger and confusing as to how God is working in all things baby came flooding into my heart. I am sure their message makes no sense but hopefully they got the point and i didnt say something insensitive.

The truth of it is I dont understand why some babies dont get to make it. I know with all my heart that God is Holy and Glorious and that He is always working. I just dont understand why.

I wanted to call Megan and Matt and let them know that I was praying and thinking about them as well. This message was equally as hard and confusing. I didnt know what to say. I am praying that GOD will save their baby and that Megan would be fine, but I know that isnt gaurnteed. Sometimes it doesnt work out that way, and I didnt want to be pesimistic or rude but I just couldnt say outload that I was praying and believing that everything would be fine. I am praying but believing? Believing is a little harder.

So again I am sorry that I havent written about the meeting yet, I promise it will come soon. I would like to ask you if you would pray for my friend Megan and Matt, that they would be prepared for whatever comes their way and that their faith would sustain them and they would Know that God loves them throughout and they are aloud to be angry for even the thought of bad things happening, but that they will look to God for hope and not blame.

The first adoption class

2008-12-13T08:17:00.000-08:00

So I have been really bad this week and havent posted anything since last friday, I was going to do it yesterday, but then it would be another one about my amazing husband, and yes I could write something new about him, that was the last post and I didnt want to double it up. So. Sorry for being quite this week.

Monday we go to our first adoption class. The title is life long adoption issues. pretty much the broadest title in the world but I am really lookng forward to it. I am ready to jump in and take the next step forward. Just filling out paperwork sucks!

I am slightly nervous as well, I guess because I dont know what to expect. There will be other adoptive parents there, and possibly birthmoms as well, and of course the social workers. I feel like every word and action is recorded and kept in a secret file to review later. I am so scared that we will say the wrong thing, be misunderstood, offend someone, or worse, and then they will think we are evil people and never give us a baby!

And the other couples in the room, I really want to see them as fellow sojourners but they are kind of like our competition. I know this is awful to think about, but I DO. Their portfolios will be shown to the same mothers that our portfolio will be shown to. Even though I dont want to I will probably be comparing the other couples, their strengths and weaknesses and ours and wondering who will get a baby first.

I know I am crazy and somewhat of an awful person, but I just had to be honest with what I have been thinking about.

How did some of you adoptive parents overcome this?

My Husband Rocks!!

2008-12-05T09:14:00.000-08:00

This is a new thing I am starting. I found it on another blog and loved the idea.
So every friday you write about how your Husband rocks. The point is that so much negativity surrounds marriage relationships and we typically have a bent towards complaining about our spouse. Here is the link so you can read more about it and join in too:

My Husband ROCKS fridays!

My Husband rocks this week because...

Last night we had a Birthday party at our house for one of the college students we work with. We do this for all of them and it is always fun. I always ask them what their favorite cake is and then we have all the young adults from the community over to the house that night, usually around 25ish people in our little house.

The cake that was asked for was fairly time consuming, well he just asked for chocolate with oranges, but I made a 4 layer orange cake with alternating cream and chocolate layers covered with Chocolate Ganache. It was to die for! Hubbs was amazing, knowing that I would need to spend extra time on the cake he cleaned the house, put away all the dishes, complimented me for washing all the dishes and helped get the house prepared for the party.

The cake was a HIT and Hubbs even tried to hide it after everyone had one piece so he could eat the rest of it. I kept pulling it out of the fridge just to find it missing minutes later. I felt loved and acomplished by his praise and love of the cake.

The night ended with everyone leaving and Hubbs and I slow dancing in the living room to michael jackson. I couldnt stop giggling at how funny we must have looked to anyone else at that moment, but I loved it. The room was all romantic too, all the lights were off except for the christmas decorations on the shelf. I loved the spontaneighty of it.

I love my husband, he is hardworking, passionate, and he loves me.

Join the fun and post about your husband too!

Sharing the News

2008-12-01T09:57:00.000-08:00

So we have begun to let the word out. We have been calling close friends and family, sending out emails, and today I am writing our December newsletter. To be honest I was really anxious about this because I thought there would be a flood of questions and stupid comments and that just hasn't happened. All we have gotten is support and encouragement, and a ton of excitement! What a blessing. I should be more trusting of people.

A small update: We laid in bed on saturday and filled out paper work. Joy! They ask some really hard questions. We wrote until our brains were exhausted but it felt good to get a little bit of it behind us.

Then I gave the blog a makeover, what do you think? I needed a more happy space, Hope and Joy are part of my life again, and I wanted to show that off. And Blue and Brown are the colors we are going to use in the baby room! It is so much fun thinking about decorating a baby room! More on that later.

What I am thankful for

2008-11-28T09:34:00.000-08:00

All day yesterday I got to experience things I am Thankful for. So much has happened over the past year, so much pain and disapointment. It is hard sometimes to look back and find the joy, but not because it isnt there, its just that pain is louder, more vivid sometimes. It gets in the way of the Joy. So today, I wanted to make myself look back and find the joy and be thankful. So here we go.

1. First off is my husband. I can not tell you how thankful I am for him with words, you would have to see the smile on my face to understand. He loves me more than I ever imagined someone could. Even when I am whinny, mean, prideful, arrogant, selfish, and just a big jerk, He loves me. He has stood beside me holding me up through every step of the IF journey, and now too with the adoption process. He is my advocate in all of this. We have made so many changes of the past year, and I have never made a bad decision by choosing to follow his leadership. He is wise and honest and a loving servant to all who know him and even those who dont. He will always go out of his way to make things easier for others before himself. I love him so much.

2. My Family. I love my parents so much. They have encouraged me everyday of my life to Love the Lord and do great things. Their love for each other is an inspiration. And Hubbs family too. We are growing together slowly but we are making it work and I am growing to love them more each time we are together. Everyone has been supportive through this process and understanding with the adoption. I am thankful for who they are and will be to our child.

3. Moving to California. Two years ago we joined a mission agency called the U.S. Center for World Mission, in march we moved to Pasadena CA where their headquarters are to work with a program called INSIGHT. I love my job and I love this community. All of the staff live within 3 blocks of the campus in all directions. I have never experienced anything like this, it sounds like a commune, but its not that scary. These people know how to love and share with one another. I love walking down the street and seeing people I know, being invited in, playing with their kids, leave walk a little further and do it all over again. Last night we had pie fest! Everyone in the community brought pie and we fellowshiped and ate, it was awesome.

4. The Mason family. A week after we moved in at the Center, the Masons arived. They are a fun loving family of five that we instently connected with. We shared our burden with them earlier on and K was able to share with me about miscarriages and struggles she had as well. It was exactly what I needed to get through. They have spent many a late night talking with Hubbs and I helping us make some really hard decisions. They have always pushed us on and challenged us with truth from scripture. Yesterday we had Thanksgiving with them, it was perfect, because we do consider them family. Their kids are really excited about the adoption and are asking when they will get to see the baby. It makes me smile.

5. My friends. Hubbs and I have stayed very close with a lot of our friends from college and back in NC. I wish I could name each of them and write books about how thankful I am for them. They have brought so much joy and laughter into our lives over the years. Every one of them responded with love when we told them about the IF. Over the last few weeks and weeks to come we have been calling them to tell them personally about the adoption, and what a joy to hear their celebration! They are so loving and encouraging it makes me smile talking about them. What a gift they are.

6. Skype. This is what keeps me in touch with my family and specifically my nephew. E is 4 and has autism. He is the happiest litttle guy in the world. I was so worried that he would forget us when we moved away but with Skype you can talk over a live streaming video. I love talking to my mom and dad and actually seeing them, I know it brings them joy as well. And with E, he LOVES IT! I think he likes us better on the computer! We play games and sing songs and he never stops giggling. I love him so much and cant wait to hug him and hear that giggle for real. So I guess this one should say Skype and E.

7. INSIGHT Students. Hubbs and I work in College Mobilization. Meaning that we educate and encourage students to get involved in Missions. I could not have more fun with this. There are 15 students in the INSIGHT program and they bring so much joy into our lives. Our house is an open door and they are always walking in. We have game nights and birthday partys or one will just show up to get a break from studying. They have become and extended family for us, and we cherish them. THe program is only for a year and I cant even think about may and how sad it will be to see them go, but how exciting to see them grow and go out into this world to make a difference. They all have such passionate and couragous hearts. Really they inspire me.

8. Roses. When we moved into our current house there were rose bushes outside in grave need of pruning. I have never had a garden before and didnt really know what to do. So a neighbor came by and helped me prune them, and then I did two all by myself. They are BLOOMING! I know it is almost December but this is southern California. It is amazing to watch what looks like a bush stump begin to bud and grow and then have a rose bud and slowly open. Everyday I go out and see how it has gotten a little bigger. I feel acomplished when I look at it.

9. Music. I bond with people over music. I love to sing, dance, not very good at either but that doesnt matter. People gather over music and I love that. I love to worship, anywhere and everywhere, it is how i connect with God. I love to clean and dance around our house and see the smile it brings to hubbs as he laughs at my silliness. I love to sing Disney ballots in the shower and hymns while I do dishes. I love musicals, and Transiberian Orchestra, and 80's hair. I love the energy from music. I love how music and express what we do know how to say.

10. I am thankful for a GOD who knows me and still loves me. This is the scarlet thread that ties my life together. Even in the darkest places of pain in my life He never left me, He was always there holding me in the palm of His hand. He allowed me to be angry and yell at Him. I still dont understand why everything is happening the way it is, but I do know this. God will not waste my pain. He will and is using it to make me stronger, to draw me closer to him and to Hubbs. He is working things out to His good. Everything in life is about HIS GLORY not mine. I have to remind myself of that ever day. I am so thankful that I had a rock to sit on when I couldnt stand. Even in the pain He showed me that He loved me, He got us this house! You should go back and read the story, it makes me cry when I think about the times I didnt trust Him, and how crazy that was. I love the LORD more than words can express.

So there it is my long (sorry) list of thankfulness. I know that 2009 will be year of my joy and probably more pain. Hopefully this time I can make the Joy stand out more.

The Papers have arrived

2008-11-23T09:52:00.000-08:00

HOLY CRAP there are so many questions and forms to fill out. I knew the application was long and expected a lot but it is like 2 inches thick! I flipped through it last night and it was just so overwhelming. I know it is worth it and all that yadayada, but I just needed to get that out and whine for a minute.

I think we will definitely need to make a game plan. Do a portion a day or something like that.

And then there is the question on tone. Are we ultra serious because this is a serious matter and we want to come off as mature and understanding, or do we throw some light hearted humor in and risk coming off as flippant?

So many Questions!

I think I over analyze and just need to get some tea, relax. Deep Breaths.

Decisions made, Now how do we announce it?

2008-11-14T14:39:00.000-08:00

Hubbs and I had a meeting last night. We sat at the kitchen table with all the adoption information we had gathered strewn about the table, a bowl of Strawberry Cheesecake Icecream, and the laptop close by. It was time to decide who we were going to choose for our adoption agency.

I was expecting a long drawn out conversation but was greatly surprised by an easy decision. We both really liked the same agency for the same reasons. It almost seemed too easy. No fighting, no convincing, no compromising, just complete agreement.

So the winner is.... Kinship Center!

You can check them out at www.kinshipcenter.org. We just really loved the way they focused on taking care of the Birthmother and making sure she was making the right decision, even if it meant not making an adoption plan. You can read earlier posts about our first meeting with them.

So now what?

We need to tell everyone the great news! We need to let people know what we are doing. My husband and I work for a ministry so we send out newsletters every other month. We want to have a special edition in December that announces our decision to Adopt. People always find cute ways to announce a pregnancy, but how do you announce an adoption? I need ideas!!

Can you think of a creative way to make the adoption announcement? Leave it in the comments and I will pick one as a winner. I don't have a prize other than cool points, but who doesn't want those!

Question about Price

2008-11-09T22:13:00.000-08:00

When Hubbs and I are looking at these different adoption agencies, one of the big things we look at is their fee structure and total price.
We have an agency that we really like that says the average domestic infant adoption will cost about 10,000. That is great! Most other agencies we look at quote 18,000 to 35,000!! That is a huge difference, so it makes me think what is the first agency not doing that is not costing them the extra money? Or why is the second one ripping me off?

How much did your adoption cost? Do you know why there is such variance in fees between agencies? This is really confusing to me, so any help would be great.

Fancy Adoption Agency

2008-11-06T14:03:00.000-08:00

We didn't go to the info meeting on Monday, it was during the day and we had a work meeting.

Last night we did go. An agency here local to Pasadena, does international and domestic adoptions. It was a very interesting experience. First off it was an open house, so you could come and go as you please. They had wine and catered Hors D'oeuvres, FANCY. I think that was the first thing that threw us off, we felt like we were walking into a private party for people much more important than us. It was nice that they were trying to make a relaxed atmosphere.

We were able to talk to one of the staff, she was really nice and had lots of information. Red flag number two: they do the homestudy and relinquishment but an attorney handles the matching and interaction with the Birth Mother. When asked what kind of services or counseling is provided to the Birth Mother, they told us it depended on the attorney. The last place went on and on about the counseling they gave to the Birth Mother and how important this was to her making a good decision, and that good counseling actually lowered the risk in adoption because the Birth Mother has been give options. I really appreciated that. This agency was much more catering to the Adoptive Family.

The last question I asked was about how their fees worked. She said they spread it out to make it more affordable. Homestudy: $2600, Relinquishment $2000, application fee $250. Not bad, it was actually sounding pretty good, that only adds up to around $5000. Then she droped the bomb. The rest of the fees are paid directly to the attorney so it differs depending on what attorney you use, but a good estimate was $20 to $40 THOUSAND DOLLARS! I know adoption is expensive but holy crap that is alot of money, twice as much as the last place estimated! The attorney is getting the majority of the money, which doesnt sit well with me. If we are going to pay that high of a price I would much rather it go to an agency that is focused on Birth Mothers and doing a great service in the community, not an attorney.

Needless to say we ended that conversation, took one more spin around the fancy finger foods and took off. Not the right fit for us.

I dont know what is on the schedule next, more research I guess. So far the first agency is the only one on our Good list.

Adoption Info Meetings

2008-10-31T09:36:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday we went to an information meeting for an adoption agency. I was so anxious all day, I guess I just didnt know what to expect. The meeting was actually pretty low key, lots of information, and next step kind of stuff.

We liked the focus they had on the Birth Mother. They are very big on counseling and coaching the Birth Mother on options that she has. At first that was hard to hear because I was thinking, no you cant encourage them to keep the child, but then I quickly realized how awful that thought was. Of course the best thing for the Baby would be to stay with the Biological family. I guess i saw a little bit of my selfish side coming out. I have to keep reminding myself that this is not about me, but about a child.

There was a slight feeling of being sized up by the staff there. I wondered the whole time if they were stereotyping us as a certain kind of parents and what that was. Towards the end some questions we asked got misunderstood and it was frustrating because they concluded things that just weren't true about us. Hubbs says not to worry about it, that they will get to know us for real if we choose that agency and do the homestudy with them. I am still haunted by the thought that first impressions are everything.

The staff at these adoption agencies hold a lot of power over us. I wonder if they realize that.

Two more meetings this week. Monday with the county and Wednesday with another private agency.

Hope is building

2008-10-24T09:42:00.000-07:00

So we made a decision. We are going to adopt.

At first, I wasn't really excited about it, it was just a decision, a way forward. Basically it came down to feeling very uncomfortable with IVF ethically, not knowing what to do or how to decide, and we felt that the adoption process would give us time. We have always wanted to adopt, we just thought it would be kid 4, 5, and 6 instead of the first. I know it will be a long process, but at least it is a way forward, something to look forward to.

Slowly, hope is building. Everyday I get a little more excited about the child that will come to us. With the infertility grief I had pushed all thoughts about a family and a baby to hold into a very dark closet with a padlock on it. I just couldn't think about it. I took the lock off. Slowly those hopes and dreams are coming out. It still hurts, my heart is still heavy when I see mother's with their infants, but the other day I smiled at them. I thought about the child I will be holding, I felt kind of warm and snuggly inside.

I am ready for hope. I am ready to be happy again, to be able to make it through a day of work motivated and undistributed!

I think my day is coming.

Am I willing to Gamble?

2008-09-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

IVF costs a LOT of money. I think we are all aware of that. Adoption is not a cheaper option, and might even cost more. What we are trying to decide now, is a simple question of whether we are willing to gamble.
I am trying to make this a logical decision, and it is really hard with all the emotions that are involved, but just run with me for a minute.
Lets say you are looking to buy a car. You go and meet with Mr. Car man and he gives you two options. The first, pay $15,000 and he will provide you with a kit to build your own car, sounds exciting, only that there is only a 35% chance you will actually end up with a car in the end. The second option is to pay the same amount of money and he gaurntees you will have a brand new car from the lot down the street where cars just sit with no one to drive them in your drive way within a year. You dont get the satisfaction of putting it together yourself, but you are garunteed to have a car in the end.
I know that sounds really simplistic and maybe way off, but this is where my mind is.

Of course you would go with the option that garuntees that you get a car!

It sounds so simple, and we all know wanting a baby, our baby is much different than wanting a car. But the logic of it still stands. Am I willing to gamble the money on the maybe of getting a car? And there is a need that we could fill, we could become a child's family, be a better option for a struggling teen mom, we could be the answer.

With gaurntees also comes the abandonment of a dream. Letting go of hopes and emotions that I dont know if I am willing to let go of yet.

I wish this was as simple as buying a car, but I know it is not.

Decisions, decisions

2008-09-09T15:50:00.000-07:00

We had our official consultation with the fertility specialist on Friday. It went really well, she didnt tell us anything we didnt already know, but she did say it. And she explained the whole situation with the endometriosis, what it is doing to my insides, and what are options are. I feel really educated, and I like our doc.

What she said:
Our only option is IVF if we want to get pregnant. I am kind of ok with it, most days. I pretty much knew this before, but now I know why. We also went through the whole process of IVF with her explaining every stage in detail. That was awesome. I am so amazed at the way God designed our bodies. We told her that we believed that life was at conception and that we needed to be able to protect that life at every stage. She said that they were willing to work with us and our stipulations. I dont think she necessarily agreed with us, but respected our beliefs. I appreciated that.

So now we have to decide. The major factor for us is protecting the life and feeling comfortable with the proceedure. The other big factor is the money. We will have to save or raise up the money, we could take out a loan, but we have to make sure we can pay the payments.

I would love to hear some creative ways that yall raised, barrowed, penny pinched, sold plasma, whatever you did to get the money.

I think I am going to start with a bake sale!

Provision in Darkness

2008-08-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

This week something amazing happened. In the middle of the week I thought something horrible was happening, I felt lost, forgotten, and ready to break at any moment. Now that the week is over and I know the ending, the whole week is part of an amazing story. Not that the middle didn't hurt, It did, but with a miraculous ending, the middle and beginning are redeemed for the good. It was all a part of the happy ending.

It all started last Sunday. Our pastor shared this passage from Isaiah:

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God"?
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint, and strengthens the powerless.
Even youths will faint and be weary, and the young will fall exhausted;
but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength,
they shall mount up with wings like eagles,
they shall run and not be weary,
they shall walk and not faint.

The words hit me hard, that was me, I was asking where is God, why is he non concerned with my life. I felt hidden from the Lord. I know it says that He is here with me, but where is my eagle to fly on, where is my rest!

Then we had the lovely doctor appointment I have already written about. The lack of hope in my life was growing, and I was becoming more depressed.

In the midst of all of this, hubbs and I have been trying to move into a new house. Our apartment was a total of 310 sq feet. Not the biggest place in the world but livable for the two of us. We work for an organization that owns homes and subsidizes rent for their staff, and a house down the street had become available. An adorable two bedroom home with a little yard outside. The word on the street was, it was ours. I was excited, the house was enough space for the two of us, plus one, and perfectly in our budget.

Then the construction started. They decided to renovate. Renovation = Rent increase. The house was quickly becoming unaffordable, and the more people we talked to the more we learned that this was the new trend. Every house that became vacant was going to be renovated, meaning we would never (atleast not anytime soon) be able to move out of our 310 sq ft apartment!

My world quickly began closing in around me. I was so depressed, so angry. I felt completely abandon and like the entire world was working against us. A friend asked if I felt like I was treading water while someone kept pushing my head down. That is exactly how I felt, like I couldnt get a break, good news would never come.

Friday night I was a zombie, washing dishes and cooking dinner while staring out the window. Hubbs tried to talk but he could tell I wasn't in the mood. I was thinking about all the things that had gone wrong over the last few days and what they meant for our future. I looked at Hubbs and said, "There is no hope, we cant afford the doctors, we cant afford a big enough house, no social worker in their right mind would let us adopt after having a home visit here!" I sobbed. My dream was dying.

Just then a knock on our door. I turned quickly to hide my wet face, and pretended to be cooking dinner. Hubbs got the door, it was the housing director. He came by to tell us they decided to let us have the house at the original rent rate, before the renovations!

I literally fell on the ground and wept. I don't know what He must have thought but I didn't care, I was so overwhelmed. He told Hubbs that He couldn't leave work today until he had worked this out. That we must be very special to God, for He always looks after His children. I tried to say Thank you, but I just cried smiling slightly through the tears.

Talk about being lifted up on Eagles Wings! My heart soared! God is listening to my prayers, He wont let me fall off the edge, He wont abandon me. He does care about our dreams. I felt so loved, and so full in that moment. And a strange peace about the whole baby thing. We needed this house, and He knew that.

Why did He let us go through all the pain? I am not sure, but I know that I am stronger for it. I learned a little more about who God is. He is creator, and God almighty, the Big amazing all powerful God, but He is also tender and caring, and the one who provides rest.

Haven't you heard! The LORD is God Almighty, Creator of the entire earth! He doesn't grow weary, He will bring you power, He will bring you strength!
When everyone else grows weary He will Lift you up and give you the strength to carry on! Seek Him, and He will give you rest.

I love my new house =)

I hate going to the Doctor!

2008-08-14T14:42:00.000-07:00

I don't think Tuesday could have been worse.

Bad news #1: The endometriosis has created an environment that is non conducive to fertilization. We had not heard this yet, we thought we were just one tube down and that was all. Her opinion was that meds, and other procedures wouldnt work because you are still depending on your body to ovulate and allow the egg to be fertilized and I have a BAD enviroment. So we should go straight to IVF, which I am not comfortable with.

Bad news #2: The only fertility specialist they have is a mean cold women who is not good at what she does. That was directly from the docs mouth! So we could get a consult from her, but it probably wouldn't be accurate and she would like us to go to a fertility clinic.

Bad news #3: Our insurance wouldn't cover the Mean lady even if we wanted to go! We were kind of counting on doing as much as we could under insurance before going elsewhere so we could save up some money. This appointment was the end of the road for us with insurance.

So what do we do now? First we cry, then we figure out how we are going to pay for all of this. I think I found a clinic that I would like to go to, but even the consult is $315. I hate that money is a part of this. I never wanted to have to think about a child with a price tag attached.

So we are in the same place we were in before we went, no game plan.

I can get a game plan, but that will cost me $315.

I hate this.

Let the Games Begin

2008-08-06T09:22:00.001-07:00

We have a doctor appointment scheduled for Aug 12th. (The day before our anniversary) The plan is to get an assessment of where we are, what's working what's not, and what our options are. Hopefully this appointment will give us all the info we need to get a game plan. I am anxious to get started, the summer of Lupron has just been a lot of waiting and letting my mind run (not good) so I am ready to do something and get some real answers!

Any suggestions on questions I should have for the doctors from you girls that have been here would be awesome.

A Song that makes me cry

2008-08-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

We sang this on Sunday, it is one of my favorite songs, I used to sing it with a huge smile on my face, saying "YES Lord, I will bless your name always," now with tears streaming down my face all I can say is, "Lord give me the strength." But again I sing, because I know its true, and I want it to be true of me.

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

Trying to live in the Ballance

2008-08-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

I feel hopeful this morning.

I don't know why, nothing has really changed, I just woke up this morning thinking there's still a chance we will get pregnant. I mean there is always a chance right. It felt good to be hopeful.

With hope comes dreaming.

As I laid in bed this morning my head was full of images of what life would be like as a family. How awesome it would be to see my husband cuddling our newborn. Beautiful images of going to the park, photos, tiny clothes, giggles and coos, fixing up a nursery, holding my baby bump and finally looking into the tiny eyes of my child as I rocked them to sleep.

With dreaming comes anxiousness.

With each thought my heart got more excited and more impatient. When will it happen, how long will we have to wait? I began to think
about all the treatments and all the options we have before us. How many needles will it take to make a baby?? I don't like needles. Will it work at all, or will our little blessing come to us another way.

With anxiousness comes fear.

I am afraid. I am afraid of being hurt by my hopes. I hate not being able to achieve the one thing my body was created for, the reason I am a woman. I hate being broken, and I am so afraid of what that means. I know that we will be parents somehow, but I don't want to let go of the desire for God to create a child inside me, from me and hubbs. I am afraid of what I will feel like if that can't happen, if there is no chance.

I don't know what comes next.

I want to be able to jump back to hope and dreaming. But how do you hope with out being afraid of what that hope might bring, hurt and disappointment. How quickly I fell from hope to fear, how did that happen? How do I stop it? The more I hope and the more I dream the harder I fall when the bad news comes, the deeper the hurt when I see a mother cuddling their baby. Hope makes me feel good, I don't like being depressed. I want to be hopeful. Is it possible to live with this strange balancing act of emotions? I don't know.

How to answer the "How ya'll doing" question

2008-07-28T19:12:00.000-07:00

The Hubbs and I have been traveling a lot this summer, too much really. I am exhausted physically and emotionally. We have visited a lot of people and the first question they all ask is, "How are ya'll doing?" I don't think they really want me to answer. What would I say anyways. How do you explain all this. I can tell my closest friends, but to people that you just know, even friends, but not the kind of friends that you talk to all the time, How do you tell them. Do I even have to? I don't really want to, but how do you answer that question.

I feel like if I did just talk about it, put it out there, that people would feel awkward about it. That it would be too much information. I feel like there is something broken with me. Why is this so hard? Why do I feel like I have some hidden disease? How many women are going through the same situation and are hiding it as well.

I would love to know how others deal with this. How do you just casually say, my husband and I are struggling with Infertility, we may not be able to have babies, my insides are broken, anything with out freakin people out.

a confession...

2008-07-02T17:42:00.000-07:00

so... I made fun of a pregnant women the other day. Sadly it was awesome!!

It was a girl that I hadn't seen in awhile, she passed by Hubbs and I saying "just making my trip to the potty." I smiled and nodded and in my mind I was thinking "man she looks fat, chubby chipmunk face, and she waddles big time" It actually made me giggle I was so humored by my thoughts. Hubbs noticed of course and asked what I was laughing at. I blushed at being caught lowered my head and whispered in his ear. He looked up with a huge smile on his face and said "yea, she looked likes like a penguin."

This is why I LOVE my Hubbs!!!

I know this is not nice, or healthy, but it did make me smile. And I didn't say it out loud, that's something right? Am I the only one who does this? I hope not, I feel bad even posting about it, but I thought it was funny and that i needed to confess. If these little evil indulgences keep me sane is that ok?

If you are pregnant and reading this, I am sooo sorry, I dont mean to hurt anyone, its just the pain talking.

Worthy, in spite of my pain

2008-06-28T17:07:00.000-07:00

We have been traveling, so it has been a while since I have been able to write. Sorry this is late.

Two weeks ago Hubby and I were at a conference in Dallas for work. It was a great weekend to relax and network with other mission agencies. During the large sessions they would have times of praise and worship. Singing is when I bare my heart to my God. This has never been harder.

I am so bitter, mad, confused, scared and hurt. Why me, why cant I have a baby, it hurts so badly at times, and I dont understand. I am angry with God. At first I didnt want to sing, I couldnt even mouth the words, I just thought about my situation, my pain.

I argued with God.

Then this song, a song that is very dear to me, a song that once upon a time would have lifted my heart, put a smile on face and given me peace as I praised my King.

Chris Tomlin's How Great Is Our God

The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice

He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end

The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb

Name above all names
Worthy of our praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

I wanted everything to stop, I wanted to leave, to run out of the room, but I couldnt hold it in, I couldnt help but sing, crying, sobbing, my heart sang, I didnt want to, I was angry, I didnt want to worship Him, I wanted to give in to my anger, but my heart sang, I couldnt stop the words coming out of my mouth. It was painful, and hard, but without a shadow of doubt, I know deep down in my soul, My God is great, and He is worthy of praise, no matter what my situation, I cant not give Him Glory. Even though I fought it with everything in me, I had to sing.

I am still angry, I am still hurt, but that does not change the fact that I am madly in love with a God that is worthy of my Praise.

And the Doctor Said...

2008-06-07T07:56:00.000-07:00

A whole lot of nothing. It wasnt necessarily a bad appointment, just not what I expected. The Doc was more concerned with doing the Post Op and making sure I was healing from the surgery, and I wanted to know all about the Endo and what this all really means. So while he was checking my vitals my husband and i were firing off hundreds of questions about fertility, endo, and the treatment. We got some answers but by in large the statement of the day was, it is hard to answer those questions at this point, Heal first, then we will talk about your options.

The Doc did start me on Lupron, so I guess I have a whole 3 months to think about this, and what is coming next. What is Lupron like? I have heard it is basically Menopause, Yipee! This is going to be a really interesting summer. Definitely not the one I imagined.

I think I needed more from the Doc then I was going to get anyways. I wanted straight forward answers, you are infertile, the endometriosis has ruined your chances of getting pregnant naturally, something. I dont like the grey answers, well, it is going to be hard, you never know, it is hard to say, everyone is different, JUST SAY IT!

I know all those other things are true as well, but I am having a hard time excepting this as my reality, and I truthful shot to the gut would throw me into it. I would have to believe it and accept it. As for now, with all the grey answers I can still pretend that everything is fine, and My baby bump is right around the corner.

Overwhelmed with encouragement

2008-06-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

I am simply overwhelmed by the online IF community. It started with a google search, and then I ended up on Lost and Found an awesome blog focused on building an online IF community. The next thing I know I have all these comments from women who are in the same situation, just wanting to say hello, give a hug, a little encouragement, and honesty that this situation sucks! So I just wanted to give a Thank you, to all of you. You have made me feel lifted up and encouraged. It is a easier knowing that I am not alone, and I am excited to see what I can learn from everyone else.

The Beginning...

2008-06-02T09:31:00.005-07:00

For the past year, the Hubby and I have been trying to start our family. The plan was simple, throw away the condoms, do the baby dance, and get pregnant. It seemed pretty straight forward, and neither of us put that much thought or emotion into it. It was just time, and it would happen when it was suppose to. After the first couple of months went by and no baby magic, I started to get anxious. I don't think I was prepared to have to wait. I don't like waiting. I thought I didn't care, that I was OK with just seeing what happens, but I was wrong. My emotions were in this deep, and with every passing month, it hurt worse and worse.

This process is such a rollercoaster! You start off hopeful, full of love, and excitement to make a baby, fertile week comes and the anticipation grows, then you wait, do you feel different, a little sick this morning, fever, tired, hungry, anything? Of course the time that you find out your not pregnant just happens to be the same time your insides are playing Mortal Kombat with each other and your emotions have turned you into a bipolar lunatic. So the rollercoaster comes to a crash, somehow staying on track and slowly moves on to start all over again. There is always that moment where you ponder getting off, is it really worth doing it all again, will the end ever change.

This was life, not all of it, there was a lot of joy and excitement going on as well, but this is what was lying just underneath the surface.

Then we hit an even bigger bump, cysts were found on my ovaries. At first they were said to be normal average cysts and nothing to worry about. (I always worry) It was a little bit of a relief to have an answer as to why things weren't happening. Then we began to talk about the possibilities, I hate that doctors have to be so thorough! These were problems I didn't want to think about, but all the what ifs began anyways.

Regardless of the outcome the cysts had to be removed, so surgery was scheduled and out they came. I remember sitting in the waiting room with hubby listening to Slick Shoes, and writing down the positives things: getting rid of scary cysts, time off work, lots of chocolate, free food, sleeping, no more nightmares about blob like monsters eating my insides, and getting back to baby making!

Hours later I awoke, sore, and drugged. I remember the look on hubby's face, smiling, he looked tired. I didn't want to ask, and he didn't want to tell me. If everything had gone perfectly well that would have been the first thing he said. But he didn't, he just said I love you.
Eventually it came out, the doctors found endometriosis. They were able to scrape most of it away, but one tube was blocked up.

The last couple of days have been a blur. I don't think i am ready to process what all this means. I feel lost, and kind of numb. All the dreams of family and baby bellies have been put away. It is easier to just not think about it, to not answer questions or even talk to people. I don't want to answer how i am doing, I honestly don't think I know. Hubby has been so strong, and wonderful, he answers for me, he deals with people so I don't have to. I love him.

We go back to the Doctor on Wednesday. I don't want to go. I know they will have answers, but I am not sure I want them.